We got back from our massive excursion to the east last night. While the plane landed around 9:30 PST, our bodies were well-adjusted to EST, and as such, when both of our heads hit our respective pillows, I’m pretty sure I was asleep in a nanosecond. Still, this morning, I found myself on east-coast time, up with the sun, and raring to go far before anyone in this sleepy city of Portland, OR had their eyes up. It’s just how I’m wired. It’s just how I roll.
The trip east has left me with a lot to unpack. I finally got my MFA. I have finally achieved something that I never saw in the cards for myself a few years ago. I have crossed that bridge, and am now standing on shores that are no longer familiar. In fact, ahead of me lies a great unknown. My job, such as it is now, is to find a source of income. I need to earn an income in some form. What shape that will take still remains to be seen.
And, I should add, the location is still up in the air too. Caleb and I have come to an understanding in our relationship that perhaps we work best as very, very close friends, and not as something more than that. Though this initially set me off into a tailspin, I realize now, after our trip east and getting to hear more about his life and where his head is at, that in fact, I’m okay with being a very close friend to a man whom I do still love, but as has happened in the past, with a different definition of that emotion applying to what we have.
This means that, sure, I’d love to land a job out here in this fantastic city among all of these fantastic people, but I can relax a bit and be a bit more selective. Caleb has promised to be as supportive as he has always been, both fiscally and emotionally. I haven’t had the rug pulled out from beneath me. What this means, though, is that I have THE ENTIRE WORLD at my doorstep.
For me, this is massively overwhelming right now.
I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I do know this:
My grandmother gave me a strict order to settle down and put down roots. Somewhere. Anywhere.
My niece was excited to see me and I melted when she called me Uncle Thom.
I have had a chance to see Maine in a very, very different way, and for right now, I’m looking in that direction to see what might be out there for me.
Besides, what’s another 3000 miles under my belt? If it means I can find my own way forward, without depending on anyone else for anything, then I should take it.