It’s been over a month since I last posted here. It’s been a hot, heavy, brutal summer, though, and one I truly can’t wait to see the end of. Things have changed, some for the better, some for the worse, and I could use with a minute to decompress. Grab a seat, if you’re curious for a catch up. Continue reading
We are slowly – *very slowly* – turning our little apartment into a home. The initial rush of getting all of the things from the old place to here has happened, and along the way, we’ve also been dealing with getting our cat, Bailey, up to snuff with her medical needs. Cats aren’t cheap – no pets are – but because of that, most of the setup has had to slow to a crawl. We are still on the hunt for a decent bookshelf system, and Ray’s not totally sold on the living room the way it is now, but it’s coming. Slowly. Settling into a new pattern takes time, right?
Ray’s also started making the transition he’s been dreaming of. He’s taken a post over at a winery not too far from Portland, working a couple of days in their tasting room. He’s also brought with him a lot of marketing and design experience (which you can check out here) which the owners of the winery have already taken notice of and want to put to use. It’s a blending of his love for wine and design that’s coming to fruition, and I am so damn proud of him.
What this has all meant, though, is that we are now devoting far more energy to our future, rather than remaining focused on the present. We began this journey together staying very-much-present in our interactions with each other. It was tough, for me, especially since I’m really quick to want to settle into a long-term arrangement, being the nester that I am, so for years, Ray was always gently pushing back whenever I’d make noises about what our future together might look like. Nowadays, though, we’re having lots of talks about what the next six months, the next few years, might look like.
For his part, Ray is happy with us. I check in with him now and again, making sure that our ship is still on a course that suits him. He reassures me that things are fine, even though I know he’s also missing our more care-free times, when we could just chuck our stuff into the car and take off on a whim. While it’s not worrisome that those moments are really few and far between, all of this is a total flashback to my previous relationships, especially my marriage – the one that failed – and I’m having to check and double-check that I’m not retreading on ground I already know. I also, and this is key, need to remember that Ray is not my ex-husband, and to be judged or critiqued based on my own prior experiences in a relationship. You’d think after three and a half years, I’d finally stop making comparisons between what has happened in my past and what is happening now, but for some damn reason, I cannot. I always catch myself doing this, knowing full-well that it’s unfair to both Ray and myself. I need to do better.
I don’t know what the future holds for him and I. I don’t know where we’ll be in a year, five years, a decade. I guess this doesn’t frighten me too much, because for now, I’m still holding his hand. While we might not be making any majestic waves or taking off on any stellar adventures these days, we are still making our home, still building our family, still settling into a life of our own. For this, I am thankful. These small moments will keep me present and accounted for in the here and now, while everything else seems to be pointed at the future.
Oy, it’s been a really long time since I had a minute to sit down and write a post here! There’s a valid reason for this: moving.
A little under a month ago, Ray and I signed a lease on a new space, our first space alone as a couple. Since then, I’ve been here, at the new place, holding down the fort, while Ray and the former roommate undergo the process of disentangling their lives back at the old spot. This has meant, mostly for Ray, but with me included when possible, a lot of back-and-forth from there to here, a lot of packing, decision-making, and general exhaustion between us both. Nerves have remained steady for the most part, and all of it has been fueled by way too much coffee.
Still, Ray has been making thoughtful and determined decisions about what he wants to bring here, and what he wants to shed from his life, and it’s been a fascinating observation to make. Though our current living room is full of boxes and projects to be completed, I’ve been learning to put more trust in his decisions about how to lay out our new home, and for the most part, he’s been really, really good at including me in these choices. Unlike partners in the past, I have a say in the matter here, and rather than defaulting to my standard “whatever you want, dear” line, I’m taking an active role in the process. It’s been empowering, to say the least.
We’ve also, somehow, adopted a cat.
I know, I know – I’ve said time and time again just how much of a dog person I am, but for now, while our schedules are as they are, having a dog just wouldn’t be fair to the dog, and the cat that has come into our lives is, well, pretty damned easy. She’s a six-year-old tabby named Bailey and she’s pretty awesome. Most of her day is spent lounging on the back of the couch, or on the bed, but on occasion, she’s been known to wind herself up and chase whatever suits her fancy around the place. Her head-butts are epic, and she’s super-cuddly when it comes time for bed. She’s also really adaptable to the changes we’re making here as the move-in process continues.
I’ve also been away from the keyboard here because I’m also finishing off two classes at Portland Community College. I signed up for these two classes with the weird idea that working forty-seven hours a week at my job would still afford me time to have a life and get my schoolwork done. HAHAHAHAH!!! It’s been a struggle, to say the least, and so I’m really, really looking forward to getting all of my work done and moving into my summer. Next fall, if all goes right, I’ll be enrolled in classes at Oregon State University, but only taking one course a semester, which, hopefully, I can manage to fit into my life. I do like taking the classes I’m taking, and I am learning a TON about programming and such. We’ve been playing around with C++ and Python this semester, and I’m finally beginning to wrap my head around the idea of object-oriented programing, and what that really means. Since I started a few semesters ago, things have become weirdly repetitive with each iteration of classes I take. Programming languages have built off each other time and time again, so noticing the overlaps and such has made things much more smooth as time has progressed. Eventually, I’ll be able to list out a few programming languages that I have experience with, and can start to really dive deep into software development and bug-finding, which is where I think I want to take all of this gained knowledge. For now, the roll continues, and I just need to lurch through the next couple of weeks as my courses wrap up. I can do this. More coffee!!
I’m really, really enjoying the feeling of having my name on a lease, of having a set of keys that are mine, and a new home of my own that I get to share with the man I love. Once the dust settles, and we are into a rhythm here, I have a feeling things are going to get much better between Ray and myself. Not that they’re bad now – not at all. I just know that his mind and time is completely filled with the move and transitions and all of that, all while the summer season is ramping up at his job, along with the many other plates he needs to keep spinning.
Anyway, enough from me for now. I need to get back to my homework and polish off this cup of coffee. Thanks for dropping in and checking in on me today!
The past few weeks have been, well, transitional. It all started with me going full time at the bus driving gig. No, actually, it started after I got my first paycheck from having gone full-time at the bus driving gig. Money, of course, can be the motivation for a great deal of change.
For weeks, we’d been really struggling with the current living situation, especially with having a roommate. Just little things, like housework, like the sounds of someone else in a space that we have to share, like the expanse of our lives coming up against the walls of our current reality, all started to pile up. One little thing after another, really. We’d constantly talked about the kind of life we wanted to have – and the kind of home we’d like to build together – but our finances had always stymied us, not to mention the insanity that is the housing market here in Portland. We wanted a change, but really saw no way forward in the immediate future.
Then, of course, the money started coming in.
Then, of course, my mind started to ramp up in it’s imaginations.
I have had it in my head that I want to buy a piece of land, preferably with a farmhouse on it. I wanted a little spot of my very own that I could do with as I please. I wanted to be a steward to the life upon that soil, and create a space that was a tiny microcosm of what could happen if a person didn’t see the dirt and creatures living on it as only a means for income. Yeah, pipe dreams like that happen when you’re as much of a dirty hippie as I can be, really. So, I started looking. I hit up the land-for-sale websites, scoured the real estate pages, and even found myself daydreaming about a couple of choice spots that might suit me, might suit us. Before I could make a move though, I needed to see where I stood at the bank.
Well, everything was fine and dandy at the bank, that is, until the question of my student loans was broached. Turns out, of course, that my investment in my education – all $157,000 of it – was a detriment to my ability to afford a home. And, of course, this wouldn’t have been a factor had I been seeking to purchase something before the crash of 2008. Back then, it was assumed that I’d managed my student loans through the proper channels, placing my housing costs at the top of the pile of bills, which is the only way I’ve ever dealt with my student loans, to be honest, but because so many people got into homes and neglected to also consider how to manage their student loan debt in the process, it all came tumbling down and left the banks on the hook for mortgages that had gone belly-up. So, in the end, student loan debt is now a factor in qualifying for a home loan, and because of my debt load, and the income I’m making, I’m not qualified. Not yet, at least.
Still, Ray and I wanted a new spot, so gears shifted, and wheels turned even more.
I started looking at the rentals in our town, and had to take about a week or so to deal with the sticker shock. $1500/month for something akin to a run-down box was not unheard of. Or, that kind of money came with a ton of caveats. I knew Ray and I were really interested in finding a pet, so finding a space that allowed for pets was on the top of the list. If we can’t have land and a small farm, the least we could get was a dog and/or cat, right? Page after page after page of listings that offered such things as “easy access to public transport” but no actual parking for our vehicles, or “cats only/no dogs,” or “You’re asking me to pay $2000/mo for what???” kept being my experience. It was frustrating, to put it mildly.
Also, it should be noted, that I really struggled with the idea of accepting that any space we were going to get was at a price that displaced someone else. Especially knowing that that same space five years ago was much more affordable.
Still, I kept looking, and eventually, I found something that was doable.
$1245/mo, one bedroom, established community (not a new construction), a good deal of room in the unit, and very pet friendly. It was also only about a mile away from where we currently live, so not much change with regards to commute time or access to the stores and places we’ve become accustomed to.
Ray and I went and looked at the place, and that day, made the move. We put down a small deposit to hold the space, and just like that, we’ve begun the process of moving into our own apartment. Just like that, our relationship has taken a leap forward, and now, as I’m typing this, I’m about a week out from getting the keys and starting the actual process of resettling.
I’m not going to lie – I’m nervous as hell about all of this. I’m still wrapping my head around the fact that I can actually afford a space like this, at this cost. Memories of carrying the rent on a spot that Nathaniel and I rented in Boston back in 2009 ($1100/mo, in the North End), have been flooding back, and the level of anxiety surrounding that much commitment is a reality. Still, as I constantly check my budget worksheet, all the numbers say, yes, in fact, I can do this. I can afford the rent, to feed myself, and keep all of my other bills paid up in full, and still stash money away. I’ve never trusted math (or my ability to do it), but there it is, in black and white, to remind me.
Ray and I have started the process of furniture shopping, getting a feeling for what each other likes and doesn’t like with regards to design. Some things we agree on, a lot we don’t, so we’ll have to find compromise. The fact is, Ray already owns a one-bedroom-apartment’s about of stuff, so I won’t be starting from absolute zero. Still, I want to have a little say-so in what kinds of things we have in our home. Like the bed. Like the sofa. Like the bookshelves. We’re figuring it out.
We’ve also started the process of finding a pet, and it seems everywhere we look, there’s some gorgeous and lovely creature who would fit really well into our home. It may be a while yet, as we get settled into our new space and figure out new patterns and rhythms, before we adopt a four-legged friend, but crossing that bridge is also happening. It’s a lot to take in, really, and I need to keep pinching myself about it, especially given where I was in my life not very long ago at all.
I still remember the feeling of being trapped in an awful back room of a house I didn’t belong in anymore, jobless, penniless, and starving. I *know* I’m not there anymore, but the idea of all of this newness crashing down around me is still present. It’ll take time, patience, and trust, but I can get used to this. I know I can.
In a week’s time, I’ll have a new home, in my name. I’ll be providing space for us, and not having to rely on Raymond for a roof over my head. I’ll also be able to give him the fiscal room to get his career moving forward and make the changes necessary to facilitate his own growth and development. He’s not used to having someone be generous to him like this, and I fully understand and appreciate that about him. I’m trying to do things that aren’t overt so that he still feels like he’s both contributing equitably to our life, but also doesn’t have to carry the anxiety that comes with monetary commitments. He’s been held back in his life because of his fiscal obligations, and I want to ease that burden for him in any way I can. At last, with this new move, I feel like I can start to do that.
Stay tuned for plenty of photos as we make this mighty leap!
It’s been too long since I’ve posted here.
Way. Too. Long.
I’ve started school again, and am hip-deep into learning C-programming, as well as taking two survey courses about computers and computer science. On top of this, I’ve been attempting to churn out a better draft of my memoir with the help of my writing group. The ladies I’ve been working with are patient and amazing, but I fear I’m letting them down. I’ve also been in discussions with Ray about the future for him and I. Possibilities with work for him and work for me seem to be rattling around out there, and while we are both anxious to take a Big Leap Forward with our careers, life, and all of that – we are both feeling terribly overwhelmed by it all.
Too many plates spinning.
I’m on a quick layover at work, so I’ll have to cut this short for now, but I will be back later. I need to write stuff down and share it here.
It’s now almost 10pm and I’m finally coming back to this entry. See what I mean? I’ve spent the last few hours doing homework and such, and totally forgot to come back and say my peace on here.
Over the last few weeks, Ray and I have been getting pretty serious about our conversations regarding the future. He’s got a number of options on the table. I’ve got a few myself, but they’re mostly just threads that I could possibly pluck, depending on where he wants to go. He, of course, would also follow my lead if I were to take one, but as I admitted to him last night, the last time I took the lead on anything like this, I lost the relationship I was in due to resentment and bitterness. I don’t want to have any of that with him. I also, however, don’t want to throw out any opportunities for myself in an act of just pleasing him. Resentment goes two ways, I’ve learned.
For now, I’ve got Teach for America looming on my horizon. They have placement schools in the Yakima River area, where Ray could possibly also find work in the wine industry out there. There’s also the potential of going full-time at TriMet (with an extended possibility of becoming a Light Rail Operator). The first option would be a huge shift in the way things are with Ray and I. The second option would be more subtle, perhaps, but it would mean I’d need to give up on my dreams of getting back into the classroom, probably give up on school as well, and dive head-first into a job that I’m, to be honest, meh about.
I mean, I could make it work, and the money would be lovely. I could be stupid-debt (credit card) free in a matter of months. I could stash money aside for a downpayment on a home. I could be the sole breadwinner for us while Ray figures out his own career and life. But I could also do those things on a starting teacher salary in Washington State – especially if we were to live in an area that is very, very, VERY affordable.
So, yeah, right now, things feel like their spinning a lot, and I’m chasing back and forth to keep the plates up on the poles where they belong. Ray can sense it, and is reacting accordingly – bouncing between “there, there, there, Thom” and “OMG GO AWAY.” I get it. I’m neurotic. I’m also really, really hungry for change, and really want to put down some damned roots somewhere. I’m almost forty years old. It’s beyond time.
It’s been a really interesting summer. I went into it, with a very open work schedule, expecting to be able to get out and do a lot more than we have this year. My knee injury earlier this year, coupled with Ray’s ongoing shoulder problem, has kept us a little closer to home than I had anticipated. We haven’t gone camping as much as we did last summer, it seems, nor have we taken as many long-distant journeys around the Pacfic Northwest. That all said, it’s not like it’s been a bad summer at all. It’s been a lot more transformative than I expected.
We did get up to Canada, and celebrated Ray’s success at passing his Level 1 Sommelier exam. This act underlines his abilities to suggest and serve wine, and demonstrates on his resume and at future job interviews, that his knowledge is real and verified. It’s been a huge bump to his feeling of justification and personal security, and I’ve really seen a lot of worry and tension and depression start to wane in my boyfriend. Because of this, we’ve started actively exploring our next step, looking at employment options, housing options, and having longer discussions about what happens after living here in Portland. To that end, for myself, I’ve taken the steps to re-enroll in classes at the local community college in an attempt to learn new and different skills that can help me in my own job placement outside of Portland. It’s caused me to reconsider getting back into the classroom, to start the process of obtaining a teaching license, and as of tomorrow, has me registering for introductory courses in Computer Science. I’m starting to put more stock in the idea that Ray and I do, in fact, have a future that goes beyond the here and now, but I’m having these feelings and reacting to them in a way that isn’t going against Ray at all. Instead, there’s a synergy, a parallel, between him and I that has really sparked a new level of connection between us both.
I’ve really enjoyed the summer of the Jeep, even though it’s been a bit bumpy as a car owner. It has been broken into twice and has ended up back at the dealer twice now for repairs, but all in all, having that vehicle, my dream vehicle, with the top down and the tunes up, flying across the grasslands of central Oregon, or winding up through the mountains on either side of town, has brought me such joy and happiness. I love the freedom, I love the ability to throw the top down and just feel the world around me, and I love what being able to afford this vehicle has done for my feelings toward myself. Three years ago, I was an absolute fiscal mess. I had no job. I was stuck in a world that wasn’t of my design. I had nothing and no one to really turn to, and was allowing someone else, outside forces, direct me. Now, only a short while after, things have really changed for the better.
This summer has seen a real push with my writing, too. Having joined the small writing group that I belong to has been a real blessing in my life. Every other week, I now have a wonderful gaggle of people conversing with me about the book, about their own work, about the struggles we all face as we try to hone our craft. It’s super supportive, super engaging, and really reminds me that there is more to me than my ability to drive a bus and do the laundry. I’ve seen this sixth revision of a story I began back in 2011 really take some amazing shapes, and plumb a lot of depths that I was once too afraid to explore. In doing so, I am constantly feeling the loosening grip of darkness and fear that has always plagued me from telling a story that was as authentic as possible. This feeling of liberation has really expressed itself outward in my daily life, and I come back to the house, to my job, and to my boyfriend every other Wednesday night feeling renewed and resolved to go further and do better.
To that end, this summer has also been a lot about overcoming my insecurities with regards to my relationship and the faith I have in it. Ray and I have come up against moments that have required trust and commitment, as well as honest (sometimes brutally so) conversations about fear and worry that we both have. In being able to hold space for these kind of talks, though, and seeing the promises we’ve made to each other act out in real-time between us, has had the cumulative effect of really deepening the bond he and I share. Every day, it seems, he’s reminding me just how unlike any other man I’ve ever been this close to he truly is. I expect rebuke, I brace for antagonism, and a constant stream of doubt towards the choices and actions that I make for myself and the direction of my life. Instead, I keep getting more support, more love, more optimism from Ray. I had no idea that this is how a healthy relationship was supposed to work. I’m still learning and man – it’s such a valuable lesson.
Summer might be coming to an end soon, but we’ve still got lots going on this year to look forward to. I have school. Ray’s doing more and building out his resume in ways that will really set the stage for us soon. We’re also planning a joint adventure for our birthday that is shaping up to be a lot of fun and will bring us back to Denver, where I can reconnect with past friends and remind myself of where I’ve been. There’s also the chance that one of his dear friends will be joining us for Thanksgiving this year, so I might have the opportunity to put on a full-on feast, which I adore doing.
Spring is definitely in the air out here in Portland, Oregon, and as is usual, this time of year has spurned a lot of changes and transformations outside and inside. While I’m still trying to keep up with everything in my own head, I thought it would be a good idea to write some of it down.
I’ve had most of the month of February off, but not intentionally.
On February 1, I decided to lace up and go out for a run. I’d been feeling a bit panicked, a bit anxious about the fact that the scale hadn’t shifted for me in a while, even while my measurements were going in the right direction otherwise – muscle growth, reduced waistline happening (slowly – but happening). The sun was bright and the air was cool and damp. It was a perfect day for a jog. I set off with a basic idea of where I wanted to go, but because I wasn’t 100% sure I’d make a loop or just a straight line to a distant point and need the bus or light rail home, I stuck my bus pass in my pocket alongside my phone.
I stretched for a bit, and then took intentional time warming up with a little bit of brisk walking. I wanted to activate all of the things needed inside. My feet felt good, and as my breathing went up, I could feel that drive to move faster building, as it always does. Soon I was doing a slow lope, kind of a fat-man-running movement that lives just above a walk, but not a full on jog, and about two or three steps beneath a full-out dash. I am, after all, just getting back into the saddle of putting pavement under my feet again, and I don’t want to hurt myself.
I made a right turn, and proceeded up a street I hadn’t gone running on before. I love taking side streets that I’ve not been on because it keeps my interest piqued – and keeps me from focusing too much on the pace of my breath or my body’s natural tendency to want to stop. Up the street, there was a piece of sidewalk that was closed off to foot traffic – a very, very common occurrence here with all of the new construction and rebuilding that our housing market is fueling. So, like I good pedestrian, I crossed the street, ran up the half of a block or so past the construction, and then went back to my side of the road. As I hopped back up onto the curb and sidewalk, I also pivoted left. In that moment, in that act of taking a step and then attempting to turn on the ball of my foot – something we all do unconsciously when we walk – a huge pop sounded off in my knee, followed by a flush of raw agony that spread down to my foot and up my thigh. Immediately, I stopped, almost falling over. “Shit!” was my first word.
I could bear a little weight on it, but something was really, really wrong. I started to panic and called Ray, but I knew he was busy picking up our roommate from the airport. I remembered my bus pass, thankful that I’d stuck that little jewel in my pocket, and set off towards the nearest bus stop. About a half-hour later, I was home, on the couch, leg elevated along with my heartbeat and anxiety level, so damn mad at myself.
That started off the medical journey that culminated in yesterday’s arthroscopic surgery to remove a piece of torn cartilage in my knee – a corner of the medial meniscus – three weeks after the injury occurred.
In the down-time between the injury and the surgery, I’ve been plagued with frustration, a heightened sense of anxiety, shame, and rage all surrounding the way my body looks and how I still feel like such a blob in my own skin. I had more than one moment with Ray, crying, admitting how mad I was at myself for pushing myself too hard because I’m so angry at getting so out of shape since he’s come into my life. I’m mad at getting old. I’m mad at my wrinkles, baldness, and waistline. He, being the angel that he is, has more than once reminded me that he’s not with me just because of my looks, and while he still finds me exceedingly handsome, he knows that beneath this messy outside, I am a decent man within. Him telling me this directly, and holding me close, really has done a number to soothe my nerves.
His support has also led me to using my downtime pretty effectively with regards to my writing. I have been able to work my way through a redraft of about four chapters of my memoir. This time around, it’s really up-close-and-personal, first-person, blow-by-blow. My writing groupies have praised this massive turn around in my words, and I’ve even sent off a couple of query letters to possible agents regarding their interest in my story. I haven’t felt this confident about any of my writing in a long time. The words now are coming from an authentic, unhidden place. I roar onto the page in very detailed and intimate flashbacks coming straight from my point of view. The act of putting the reader right there, in that moment of time, has such power, and is *exactly* what I wanted to produce for a story.
Now that the surgery on my knee is over and I’m feeling like I can get back on both feet again, things will resume their normal course of events. At least for a little while.
Ray and I have been also discussing the shifts in his life, especially with regards to his future job plans, and what that means in terms of our living situation. Later this year, in July, he’s going to be taking his Level 1 Master Sommelier exam up in Victoria, BC. It’s the kind of test and certification that will bump up his resume, especially as he also starts to transition away from table-side serving of food and wine as he currently does, and moves into tasting room/vineyard work out in wine country. The Oregon wine industry is growing in leaps and bounds these days, and will continue to do so as the climate shifts and wine production done in central and southern California has to divest of cooler-climate grapes – grapes that will do extraordinarily well up here. Ray wants in on it, as it is a huge passion of his. He’s also working to incorporate his skills in design, with an eye to work on label and marketing material for vineyards throughout the Willamette region and around the Pacific Northwest.
All of this, for us as a couple, translates into moments of transition, possibly out of Portland, Oregon. We both have dreamed about having our little spot somewhere, where we could raise a garden, chickens, and have a dog or two. Right now, in the current state of Portland proper, those kinds of things are way out of our reach. The average home price here is up in the $300k range, and rentals on single-bedroom spots (most without any outdoor access or pet options) is over $1500 for anything comfortable. Given our love for the outdoors and access to the stars and trails and mountains and ocean, we are keeping our eyes out for spaces that would accommodate us both better without being too much of a burden on our wallets. This year will see us both focusing on getting our credit card debts down, getting our finances in further order, and figuring out our next move forward, as a couple.
The fact that I have him in my life, to share in his exploration of self, watching as he comes into his adult form, is amazing. I saw great potential in him when we first met, but now, two years in, it’s clear that we’re sliding into a far greater, stronger place as a couple. His friends have started ribbing him about marriage, and it’s adorable to see him squirm about it a little. I’m not driving that conversation at all, and have told him it’s all in his court – I’ve been there and done that and I know that if we do get married, it’s going to be unlike anything either of us has ever experience. He’s making grown-up decisions about his career, and is deliberately seeking a balance between making the money to pay the bills and having a life that brings him joy daily, where he doesn’t always feel like he’s just feeding into a machine, but taking an active role in growing and shaping in cooperation with a team of like-minded people.
So, yeah. 2016 has started with a lot of shake-down, a lot of shifting away from the old and transitioning into the new. While I loathe that I’m older and can’t beat up on my body like I always have, I know that this month to reflect and change gears has done me a lot of good. Ray has also had to shake off some of his own doubts and fears and is making some earnest moves towards the life he envisions for himself. The daffodils are blooming. The crabapple trees are too. Spring’s renewal is a welcome thing this time around.