It’s been over a month since I last posted here. It’s been a hot, heavy, brutal summer, though, and one I truly can’t wait to see the end of. Things have changed, some for the better, some for the worse, and I could use with a minute to decompress. Grab a seat, if you’re curious for a catch up. Continue reading
We are slowly – *very slowly* – turning our little apartment into a home. The initial rush of getting all of the things from the old place to here has happened, and along the way, we’ve also been dealing with getting our cat, Bailey, up to snuff with her medical needs. Cats aren’t cheap – no pets are – but because of that, most of the setup has had to slow to a crawl. We are still on the hunt for a decent bookshelf system, and Ray’s not totally sold on the living room the way it is now, but it’s coming. Slowly. Settling into a new pattern takes time, right?
Ray’s also started making the transition he’s been dreaming of. He’s taken a post over at a winery not too far from Portland, working a couple of days in their tasting room. He’s also brought with him a lot of marketing and design experience (which you can check out here) which the owners of the winery have already taken notice of and want to put to use. It’s a blending of his love for wine and design that’s coming to fruition, and I am so damn proud of him.
What this has all meant, though, is that we are now devoting far more energy to our future, rather than remaining focused on the present. We began this journey together staying very-much-present in our interactions with each other. It was tough, for me, especially since I’m really quick to want to settle into a long-term arrangement, being the nester that I am, so for years, Ray was always gently pushing back whenever I’d make noises about what our future together might look like. Nowadays, though, we’re having lots of talks about what the next six months, the next few years, might look like.
For his part, Ray is happy with us. I check in with him now and again, making sure that our ship is still on a course that suits him. He reassures me that things are fine, even though I know he’s also missing our more care-free times, when we could just chuck our stuff into the car and take off on a whim. While it’s not worrisome that those moments are really few and far between, all of this is a total flashback to my previous relationships, especially my marriage – the one that failed – and I’m having to check and double-check that I’m not retreading on ground I already know. I also, and this is key, need to remember that Ray is not my ex-husband, and to be judged or critiqued based on my own prior experiences in a relationship. You’d think after three and a half years, I’d finally stop making comparisons between what has happened in my past and what is happening now, but for some damn reason, I cannot. I always catch myself doing this, knowing full-well that it’s unfair to both Ray and myself. I need to do better.
I don’t know what the future holds for him and I. I don’t know where we’ll be in a year, five years, a decade. I guess this doesn’t frighten me too much, because for now, I’m still holding his hand. While we might not be making any majestic waves or taking off on any stellar adventures these days, we are still making our home, still building our family, still settling into a life of our own. For this, I am thankful. These small moments will keep me present and accounted for in the here and now, while everything else seems to be pointed at the future.
The past few weeks have been, well, transitional. It all started with me going full time at the bus driving gig. No, actually, it started after I got my first paycheck from having gone full-time at the bus driving gig. Money, of course, can be the motivation for a great deal of change.
For weeks, we’d been really struggling with the current living situation, especially with having a roommate. Just little things, like housework, like the sounds of someone else in a space that we have to share, like the expanse of our lives coming up against the walls of our current reality, all started to pile up. One little thing after another, really. We’d constantly talked about the kind of life we wanted to have – and the kind of home we’d like to build together – but our finances had always stymied us, not to mention the insanity that is the housing market here in Portland. We wanted a change, but really saw no way forward in the immediate future.
Then, of course, the money started coming in.
Then, of course, my mind started to ramp up in it’s imaginations.
I have had it in my head that I want to buy a piece of land, preferably with a farmhouse on it. I wanted a little spot of my very own that I could do with as I please. I wanted to be a steward to the life upon that soil, and create a space that was a tiny microcosm of what could happen if a person didn’t see the dirt and creatures living on it as only a means for income. Yeah, pipe dreams like that happen when you’re as much of a dirty hippie as I can be, really. So, I started looking. I hit up the land-for-sale websites, scoured the real estate pages, and even found myself daydreaming about a couple of choice spots that might suit me, might suit us. Before I could make a move though, I needed to see where I stood at the bank.
Well, everything was fine and dandy at the bank, that is, until the question of my student loans was broached. Turns out, of course, that my investment in my education – all $157,000 of it – was a detriment to my ability to afford a home. And, of course, this wouldn’t have been a factor had I been seeking to purchase something before the crash of 2008. Back then, it was assumed that I’d managed my student loans through the proper channels, placing my housing costs at the top of the pile of bills, which is the only way I’ve ever dealt with my student loans, to be honest, but because so many people got into homes and neglected to also consider how to manage their student loan debt in the process, it all came tumbling down and left the banks on the hook for mortgages that had gone belly-up. So, in the end, student loan debt is now a factor in qualifying for a home loan, and because of my debt load, and the income I’m making, I’m not qualified. Not yet, at least.
Still, Ray and I wanted a new spot, so gears shifted, and wheels turned even more.
I started looking at the rentals in our town, and had to take about a week or so to deal with the sticker shock. $1500/month for something akin to a run-down box was not unheard of. Or, that kind of money came with a ton of caveats. I knew Ray and I were really interested in finding a pet, so finding a space that allowed for pets was on the top of the list. If we can’t have land and a small farm, the least we could get was a dog and/or cat, right? Page after page after page of listings that offered such things as “easy access to public transport” but no actual parking for our vehicles, or “cats only/no dogs,” or “You’re asking me to pay $2000/mo for what???” kept being my experience. It was frustrating, to put it mildly.
Also, it should be noted, that I really struggled with the idea of accepting that any space we were going to get was at a price that displaced someone else. Especially knowing that that same space five years ago was much more affordable.
Still, I kept looking, and eventually, I found something that was doable.
$1245/mo, one bedroom, established community (not a new construction), a good deal of room in the unit, and very pet friendly. It was also only about a mile away from where we currently live, so not much change with regards to commute time or access to the stores and places we’ve become accustomed to.
Ray and I went and looked at the place, and that day, made the move. We put down a small deposit to hold the space, and just like that, we’ve begun the process of moving into our own apartment. Just like that, our relationship has taken a leap forward, and now, as I’m typing this, I’m about a week out from getting the keys and starting the actual process of resettling.
I’m not going to lie – I’m nervous as hell about all of this. I’m still wrapping my head around the fact that I can actually afford a space like this, at this cost. Memories of carrying the rent on a spot that Nathaniel and I rented in Boston back in 2009 ($1100/mo, in the North End), have been flooding back, and the level of anxiety surrounding that much commitment is a reality. Still, as I constantly check my budget worksheet, all the numbers say, yes, in fact, I can do this. I can afford the rent, to feed myself, and keep all of my other bills paid up in full, and still stash money away. I’ve never trusted math (or my ability to do it), but there it is, in black and white, to remind me.
Ray and I have started the process of furniture shopping, getting a feeling for what each other likes and doesn’t like with regards to design. Some things we agree on, a lot we don’t, so we’ll have to find compromise. The fact is, Ray already owns a one-bedroom-apartment’s about of stuff, so I won’t be starting from absolute zero. Still, I want to have a little say-so in what kinds of things we have in our home. Like the bed. Like the sofa. Like the bookshelves. We’re figuring it out.
We’ve also started the process of finding a pet, and it seems everywhere we look, there’s some gorgeous and lovely creature who would fit really well into our home. It may be a while yet, as we get settled into our new space and figure out new patterns and rhythms, before we adopt a four-legged friend, but crossing that bridge is also happening. It’s a lot to take in, really, and I need to keep pinching myself about it, especially given where I was in my life not very long ago at all.
I still remember the feeling of being trapped in an awful back room of a house I didn’t belong in anymore, jobless, penniless, and starving. I *know* I’m not there anymore, but the idea of all of this newness crashing down around me is still present. It’ll take time, patience, and trust, but I can get used to this. I know I can.
In a week’s time, I’ll have a new home, in my name. I’ll be providing space for us, and not having to rely on Raymond for a roof over my head. I’ll also be able to give him the fiscal room to get his career moving forward and make the changes necessary to facilitate his own growth and development. He’s not used to having someone be generous to him like this, and I fully understand and appreciate that about him. I’m trying to do things that aren’t overt so that he still feels like he’s both contributing equitably to our life, but also doesn’t have to carry the anxiety that comes with monetary commitments. He’s been held back in his life because of his fiscal obligations, and I want to ease that burden for him in any way I can. At last, with this new move, I feel like I can start to do that.
Stay tuned for plenty of photos as we make this mighty leap!
As of today, I’ve gone for three small runs.
It’s about one exact year since the surgery on my right knee, done to repair torn cartilage after taking a wrong left turn.
In the last year, I’ve put on over 45 pounds, and subsequently lost about 30 of that through diet, but still find myself pudgy and soft around the edges – and not the man that Raymond met three years ago. I have such a journey ahead of me to regain a shape and form that suits me, but, of course, it’s important for me to stop and reflect about the things I’m discovering and learning about myself along the way.
First, there’s the weird anxiety that floods my circulatory system every time I start to head out the door to run. I sip on a mug of coffee, or chug it, and spend a great deal of time psyching myself up to put on my running gear. I listen to EDM, at volume, and pace around in some sort of weird dancing swagger as I let the beats and rhythm build inside me. What I’m doing, essentially, is trying to build up the courage to get out there. What could I possibly be afraid of, though?
Injury, for one, is a thing – I’ve been there, done that, and it sucked a lot. It sent me into a pretty steep depression last year at this time as I was prepping for surgery on my knee, and I don’t want to go back to that headspace again. Ever. I know, I know…we are a biological creature and aging means breaking down and facing injury on a daily basis. Still.
Then, there’s the idea of me in running gear. To be honest, I look foolish. Lycra, day-glo attire, hell, even the sneakers themselves – all of these things look really weird on my plump and curvy body. I’m no Usain Bolt. I’m not lithe, or muscular, or lanky, or even attractively shapely in anything other than baggy jeans and loose tee shirts. But, running in jeans would look even more stupid, so here I am. Dressed like a fool. I know this is super-duper basic of me to be even commenting on, let alone admitting to, but I hate, hate, *hate* wearing clothing that makes me stand out in some fashion. This shit? This gear? Yeah, no. Thankfully, most of it’s a light grey color, which means I’ll blend into the fog and drear that is Oregon’s signature weather pattern. And that day-glo shirt goes well under the grey hoodie, with only a few bits of it showing.
Beyond looking stupid and not wanting to rip a muscle, what else is this fear coming from?
Well, if I’m being perfectly honest, it’s all related to my past experience with weight and body and eating. I’m still, and will forever be, a recovering anorexic/bulimic. For over two years, I spent a great deal of energy and effort to expunge my body of everything and anything, exerting exquisite control over my daily caloric intake like it was my reason to even live. Exerting that kind of control over my body, my physicality, has been my default go-to response whenever I’m feeling like the world I inhabit and everything around me has gone off the rails. I know how far I am capable of pushing myself in order to feel like I’m in control. That, right there – the levels of mania, the willpower, the stubbornness, the monster within me that I’ve turned loose on myself a number of times – that’s the thing that arrests me whenever I lace up my sneakers. I am afraid of the level of harm I am capable of doing to myself in order to feel like I’m in control of something.
Then, there is the feedback loop that one gets when they get into shape. People do notice. Interactions with others become different. Every single time I’ve dropped a lot of weight, there’s the inevitable compliments that come in from various people I interact with. Their praise and notice feeds into my ego, feeds into the desire to keep pushing myself further, and that, in and of itself, is highly addictive. I love praise. I mean, c’mon, who doesn’t, right? The thing is – and especially with my history of eating disorders and body dysmorphia – every compliment I ever got when I was at my thinnest was made to a person who had put on the skin of confidence and power, when on the inside, he knew it was all one great lie. I don’t know if that makes any sense, so let me try explaining it another way.
If you’d seen me at my thinnest – and you probably did because I kept posting photos of myself along the way as a means of stroking my own ego and getting validation for what I was doing – you’d see a guy who looked great and gave off a sexy and confident vibe that was quite attractive. You’d have no idea, though, what kind of turmoil was going on underneath that outer self. Under that skinnier, sexier exterior, was a man-boy who was broken. If you had questioned me, even just a little, as to how I was doing – especially if you’d given me a gin and tonic first – it would have soon become quite apparent that my exterior was really just a facade and that things in my world were quite broken. The first time I “got skinny” I wasn’t eating but maybe 500 calories a day, was failing in a few college classes, couldn’t pay my car payments or keep insurance on my car, and had a whole host of other issues going on up to and including an identity crisis that eventually led me out of the closet. The next time I “got skinny” was about the time my marriage was failing and I was facing down the reality that I’d made a real cock-up of things related to my education, career, and finances. Oh, and I was lonely as fuck. The most recent time I again “got skinny,” I was living in the spare bedroom of an ex-boyfriend’s house, had no job and no prospects for one, had been called – to my face – fat and unattractive, had zero friends, and went day-to-day wondering just how I was going to eat enough food to curb the growl in my stomach yet not get yelled at by the ex-boyfriend for being a leech.
It doesn’t need to be like this. It doesn’t need to feel this way. I don’t need to be afraid of myself. I know this. I *know* this. I’ve spent most of my life waging this inner battle with myself. I’m tired of it. I’m not in a place of desperation. I’ve got a stable roof over my head, a job that pays quite well with pretty damn good benefits. I have a magical and wonderful man who still enjoys curling up around me at night and holding me tight. I have a lot of great things going for me and I feel like I’m in total control of my life.
So, really, I need to get over myself and just get out there. I’m dressed in these horrible running clothes right now anyway. This doesn’t need to be like every other time I’ve decided to go running.
The world seems to be on fire, or drowning, or both. The recent election, the slew of horror-story memes, contradictions, opposite-land cabinet picks, and the direction that my country is going to be heading over at least the next four years, have all carved away at my eternal optimism to a point where I don’t know how to be anymore. This lack of hope, lack of light, and lack of focus has me grasping at any and everything that might be construed as positive, but time and time again, those things that bring me moments of joy are elusive and slip through my fingers. So, I’m back to this space, this darkness.
I took off to the snow and evergreens a little while ago, and for a moment, I found respite.
Tomorrow, I want to go back, back up there, back to where the snow crunches, the air is perfumed with fir and spruce, and the sounds around me are muffled by the blanket of winter that covers every surface that faces the sky.
I need a retreat from this world.
Since November 9, 2016:
- I’ve been to the gym. I know this sound like a trivial detail, but having not gone persistently for months on end, the requirement to have a strong body, coupled with the clarity and surge of energy and endorphins that the gym provides, is now more necessary than ever.
- I keep writing. I keep putting down words of frustration, of sadness, of confusion onto pages and papers as an attempt to make sense of it all.
- I keep going to work. Not only do I need to just pay my bills, but I also need the distraction. Sitting here, quietly, staring at whatever is in front of me, only leads to more jaw-clenching and rage. The act of getting out on the road, and driving around Portland, Oregon allows me to interact with others, even on the most basic of levels, and reminds me that I’m not alone.
- I keep reminding Ray that I love him, more than ever. We’ve drawn quite close over the past few weeks since November 9th, and I feel more connected to him than I ever have. We both have had to face down some real truths about where we came from, and what has been holding us back. Now, in this current political upheaval, we have each other, and not a whole lot more.
- I keep looking for things to do, meetings to attend, groups to join, so that I don’t just sit here and idle my way through this mess.
There’s a direct and sincere feeling of having to come to terms with the life I have been leading. I have actively bought into the New Liberalism that has marked the last few decades here in America. I have sought the refuge of ever-more liberal cities in order to find a space to exist with limited fears, even when the act of doing so cost the connections I once had to my very-blue-collar past. I have bought into the idea of higher education as a means to overcoming social injustices. I have fed into the very machine that voters from places I’ve always been afraid of (middle America, “fly-over,” redneck, etc) have denounced and ridiculed, and now claim victory over. I gave over my rural identity and politics the day I decided to come out of the closet, it seems. I allowed myself to succumb to the audacity and optimism of living in and among a class of liberal urbanites who never expressed any connection to the world beyond their cities (other than to liken trips to the rural spaces as something akin to safari, or a trip to the zoo), all under the banner of being able to safely exist as my true self. I’m not sure about these choices anymore.
Today, I’m finding myself questioning this move, and why I didn’t have the strength to be who I am while retaining my rural roots and connections. What kind of impact could I have made if I had simply gone back home after college? Is this regret? Is this me internalizing a lot of doubts I now am holding about the country I live in? I’m not certain. I do know this, though – I moved away at the time because of fear. I chose not to live among those who held deep-seated hatred and bigotry against me, who I was and am, and those like me. For many like me, I’m pretty certain this is a similar refrain.
I’m also now, more than I have ever been, questioning the words and language used by those of us who live in these urban/liberal-elite spaces. How have we glossed over, or even promulgated, the challenges of race and racism, along with bigotry and xenophobia, by not actively engaging in the methods and actions needed to come to terms with these problems? Simply put, I don’t know what to trust any longer, internally or externally. I need to figure this out.
As of this writing, I’m officially down twenty-four pounds since June 21st, 2016.
That’s almost half-way to 200, from the 250 I was at. It’s been two months. That’s twelve pounds a month. If I can keep this up, I will be around my goal weight of 175 pounds, which is where I was when I met Ray, by the end of the year.
I’m really having a moment about this today, and really needed to get it out of me.
I still am not ready to share what I’ve been doing, mostly because I had a bit of a revelatory moment back in June about how I’ve been approaching health and weight loss. For me, it seems, the more I announce things online, the more I share my gains and goals and plans with those who know me online, the more apt I am to falter and fall off the wagon. This time around, though, instead of posting about it (though I’ve come *really* close at times), I’m just sharing photos of myself. I think, in time, the weight loss will become more evident, and if asked about it, I might share my secret. It’s really no secret – it’s just a better system of eating that works for me – but because I’ve imbued it with a little magic – a little bit of my inner pagan self who finds power in concoctions and potions and recipes – I can’t talk about it. Doing so will dissipate the magic. It’s a little like Fight Club in that the first rule is that you don’t talk about Fight Club. So goes this new journey I’m on.
In any case, I feel a ton better. I’m feeling way more alive, more energized, and more in tune with the animal-creature-being that I am. I’m figuring out what cravings actually are, what hunger actually feels like, and how best to respond to these needs. It’s really a re-learning of the things that have always been inside me – the biofeedback loops we are all born with – that have been muffled by years of eating incorrectly and responding to cravings in a way that is detrimental to the rest of my health.
I’m anxious to start exercise again, especially since I haven’t done much since I had surgery on my knee last February. I really put myself in a hole after that, afraid of pushing myself, afraid of hurting myself more, and psychologically, it took a massive toll on me. I found myself justifying the pizza, the beer, the constant naps and lethargy to just compensate for how awful I was feeling about being broken and not being the young and elastic man I once was. Right now, I can feel those emotions sliding back, dissipating, leaving my body, and what’s replaced it is a new-found confidence.
I still have quite a few milestones to arrive at. I still have things I’m not quite doing right, but overall, I have to say I’m really, really enjoying this little journey of mine. Who knows. I might actually be Fit by Forty.