No, not the movie.
I’ve just recently crossed the 28-day mark with regards to my old smoking habit. It’s a thing of my past. Well, the actual putting of a cigarette to my lips is. The nicotine, currently delivered to my body by means of a patch on my upper arm, remains a thing for me still, but I’m on the verge of stepping down from that as well.
This morning, after being awake for a few hours and messing around on my laptop, playing Civilization V actually, I found myself with a headache. I started getting twitchy in my chair, restless for something. I took myself out for a coffee, and it wasn’t until the walk back, where I stopped for a second and caught myself staring longingly at a discarded half-cigarette on the ground, that the reason for my headache became clear. The patches I am using are good for 24 hours. I hadn’t changed my patch in nearly 30 hours. What I was experiencing was, in fact, a nicotine craving, but I didn’t actually identify it as such for quite some time. It wasn’t that I was acting out, or that I felt myself going mad. It was more like this nagging need for something…something was not quite right. Once I got home and swapped out the patch, after a few minutes, my teeth unclenched, my headache lifted, and I was feeling right as rain again.
I still have that chemical dependency to break. I’m also dealing with some pretty hefty chest congestion and heaviness in my thoracic region. Shortness of breath is not something I’m used to – but from what I’ve read on line, it feels like asthma, or a nondescript weight sitting right on my chest. This is a common side effect of quitting smoking, and may take quite some time for it to lift, but lift it will. I need to keep up on my hydration, and when I can, exercise. I am also thinking of getting a few hours in a steam room somewhere here in town, preferably with some eucalyptus or menthol in the air. Whatever it takes, I’m game.
Ray, for his part, is super proud of me for doing this. All along, he’s been irritated by the fact I was smoking. It became a block between us and something he felt like he had to just deal with, rather than put his foot down about. Now, though, he reaches over and holds my hand, tells me how happy my not smoking makes him, and a barrier that I wasn’t aware of between us has shifted, falling away. I do blame him for inspiring this change in me, and I’m so thankful for it.
Twenty-eight days in, my life has improved a lot. I’m not out of money all the time. I don’t stink. I don’t have to sneak off and miss out on some pieces of time spent with Ray or with any of my friends – most of whom don’t smoke either. I’m not angry at work, craving that next break, that next moment off the bus. I’m not as short with people (I’m still a curmudgeon, though, let it be known). I’m feeling more balanced, more in tune with my body. I now have a little checklist I go through when I’m feeling off – tired/thirsty/hungry? To be honest, I can’t believe I took all of those vital things as a sign just to smoke. How much did I deprive myself of sleep, or food, or even just water? Why would anyone be that awful to themselves? I think, perhaps, I’ve also turned a strong emotional growth corner in my life. I don’t hate my body as much. I don’t despise the skin I’m in as much.
I can finally and completely smell the season around me – Autumn, my favorite time of year. It hit me today, actually, as I was out on a walk, that I hadn’t really smelled the rot of leaves and the dampness in the air that always comes with fall, in a very,very long time. I appreciate the smell of hot apple cider. I can smell the rain again. Today, on my walk, this realization made me well up with tears. I missed this more than I realized.