It’s been over a month since I last posted here. It’s been a hot, heavy, brutal summer, though, and one I truly can’t wait to see the end of. Things have changed, some for the better, some for the worse, and I could use with a minute to decompress. Grab a seat, if you’re curious for a catch up. Continue reading
We are slowly – *very slowly* – turning our little apartment into a home. The initial rush of getting all of the things from the old place to here has happened, and along the way, we’ve also been dealing with getting our cat, Bailey, up to snuff with her medical needs. Cats aren’t cheap – no pets are – but because of that, most of the setup has had to slow to a crawl. We are still on the hunt for a decent bookshelf system, and Ray’s not totally sold on the living room the way it is now, but it’s coming. Slowly. Settling into a new pattern takes time, right?
Ray’s also started making the transition he’s been dreaming of. He’s taken a post over at a winery not too far from Portland, working a couple of days in their tasting room. He’s also brought with him a lot of marketing and design experience (which you can check out here) which the owners of the winery have already taken notice of and want to put to use. It’s a blending of his love for wine and design that’s coming to fruition, and I am so damn proud of him.
What this has all meant, though, is that we are now devoting far more energy to our future, rather than remaining focused on the present. We began this journey together staying very-much-present in our interactions with each other. It was tough, for me, especially since I’m really quick to want to settle into a long-term arrangement, being the nester that I am, so for years, Ray was always gently pushing back whenever I’d make noises about what our future together might look like. Nowadays, though, we’re having lots of talks about what the next six months, the next few years, might look like.
For his part, Ray is happy with us. I check in with him now and again, making sure that our ship is still on a course that suits him. He reassures me that things are fine, even though I know he’s also missing our more care-free times, when we could just chuck our stuff into the car and take off on a whim. While it’s not worrisome that those moments are really few and far between, all of this is a total flashback to my previous relationships, especially my marriage – the one that failed – and I’m having to check and double-check that I’m not retreading on ground I already know. I also, and this is key, need to remember that Ray is not my ex-husband, and to be judged or critiqued based on my own prior experiences in a relationship. You’d think after three and a half years, I’d finally stop making comparisons between what has happened in my past and what is happening now, but for some damn reason, I cannot. I always catch myself doing this, knowing full-well that it’s unfair to both Ray and myself. I need to do better.
I don’t know what the future holds for him and I. I don’t know where we’ll be in a year, five years, a decade. I guess this doesn’t frighten me too much, because for now, I’m still holding his hand. While we might not be making any majestic waves or taking off on any stellar adventures these days, we are still making our home, still building our family, still settling into a life of our own. For this, I am thankful. These small moments will keep me present and accounted for in the here and now, while everything else seems to be pointed at the future.
The past few weeks have been, well, transitional. It all started with me going full time at the bus driving gig. No, actually, it started after I got my first paycheck from having gone full-time at the bus driving gig. Money, of course, can be the motivation for a great deal of change.
For weeks, we’d been really struggling with the current living situation, especially with having a roommate. Just little things, like housework, like the sounds of someone else in a space that we have to share, like the expanse of our lives coming up against the walls of our current reality, all started to pile up. One little thing after another, really. We’d constantly talked about the kind of life we wanted to have – and the kind of home we’d like to build together – but our finances had always stymied us, not to mention the insanity that is the housing market here in Portland. We wanted a change, but really saw no way forward in the immediate future.
Then, of course, the money started coming in.
Then, of course, my mind started to ramp up in it’s imaginations.
I have had it in my head that I want to buy a piece of land, preferably with a farmhouse on it. I wanted a little spot of my very own that I could do with as I please. I wanted to be a steward to the life upon that soil, and create a space that was a tiny microcosm of what could happen if a person didn’t see the dirt and creatures living on it as only a means for income. Yeah, pipe dreams like that happen when you’re as much of a dirty hippie as I can be, really. So, I started looking. I hit up the land-for-sale websites, scoured the real estate pages, and even found myself daydreaming about a couple of choice spots that might suit me, might suit us. Before I could make a move though, I needed to see where I stood at the bank.
Well, everything was fine and dandy at the bank, that is, until the question of my student loans was broached. Turns out, of course, that my investment in my education – all $157,000 of it – was a detriment to my ability to afford a home. And, of course, this wouldn’t have been a factor had I been seeking to purchase something before the crash of 2008. Back then, it was assumed that I’d managed my student loans through the proper channels, placing my housing costs at the top of the pile of bills, which is the only way I’ve ever dealt with my student loans, to be honest, but because so many people got into homes and neglected to also consider how to manage their student loan debt in the process, it all came tumbling down and left the banks on the hook for mortgages that had gone belly-up. So, in the end, student loan debt is now a factor in qualifying for a home loan, and because of my debt load, and the income I’m making, I’m not qualified. Not yet, at least.
Still, Ray and I wanted a new spot, so gears shifted, and wheels turned even more.
I started looking at the rentals in our town, and had to take about a week or so to deal with the sticker shock. $1500/month for something akin to a run-down box was not unheard of. Or, that kind of money came with a ton of caveats. I knew Ray and I were really interested in finding a pet, so finding a space that allowed for pets was on the top of the list. If we can’t have land and a small farm, the least we could get was a dog and/or cat, right? Page after page after page of listings that offered such things as “easy access to public transport” but no actual parking for our vehicles, or “cats only/no dogs,” or “You’re asking me to pay $2000/mo for what???” kept being my experience. It was frustrating, to put it mildly.
Also, it should be noted, that I really struggled with the idea of accepting that any space we were going to get was at a price that displaced someone else. Especially knowing that that same space five years ago was much more affordable.
Still, I kept looking, and eventually, I found something that was doable.
$1245/mo, one bedroom, established community (not a new construction), a good deal of room in the unit, and very pet friendly. It was also only about a mile away from where we currently live, so not much change with regards to commute time or access to the stores and places we’ve become accustomed to.
Ray and I went and looked at the place, and that day, made the move. We put down a small deposit to hold the space, and just like that, we’ve begun the process of moving into our own apartment. Just like that, our relationship has taken a leap forward, and now, as I’m typing this, I’m about a week out from getting the keys and starting the actual process of resettling.
I’m not going to lie – I’m nervous as hell about all of this. I’m still wrapping my head around the fact that I can actually afford a space like this, at this cost. Memories of carrying the rent on a spot that Nathaniel and I rented in Boston back in 2009 ($1100/mo, in the North End), have been flooding back, and the level of anxiety surrounding that much commitment is a reality. Still, as I constantly check my budget worksheet, all the numbers say, yes, in fact, I can do this. I can afford the rent, to feed myself, and keep all of my other bills paid up in full, and still stash money away. I’ve never trusted math (or my ability to do it), but there it is, in black and white, to remind me.
Ray and I have started the process of furniture shopping, getting a feeling for what each other likes and doesn’t like with regards to design. Some things we agree on, a lot we don’t, so we’ll have to find compromise. The fact is, Ray already owns a one-bedroom-apartment’s about of stuff, so I won’t be starting from absolute zero. Still, I want to have a little say-so in what kinds of things we have in our home. Like the bed. Like the sofa. Like the bookshelves. We’re figuring it out.
We’ve also started the process of finding a pet, and it seems everywhere we look, there’s some gorgeous and lovely creature who would fit really well into our home. It may be a while yet, as we get settled into our new space and figure out new patterns and rhythms, before we adopt a four-legged friend, but crossing that bridge is also happening. It’s a lot to take in, really, and I need to keep pinching myself about it, especially given where I was in my life not very long ago at all.
I still remember the feeling of being trapped in an awful back room of a house I didn’t belong in anymore, jobless, penniless, and starving. I *know* I’m not there anymore, but the idea of all of this newness crashing down around me is still present. It’ll take time, patience, and trust, but I can get used to this. I know I can.
In a week’s time, I’ll have a new home, in my name. I’ll be providing space for us, and not having to rely on Raymond for a roof over my head. I’ll also be able to give him the fiscal room to get his career moving forward and make the changes necessary to facilitate his own growth and development. He’s not used to having someone be generous to him like this, and I fully understand and appreciate that about him. I’m trying to do things that aren’t overt so that he still feels like he’s both contributing equitably to our life, but also doesn’t have to carry the anxiety that comes with monetary commitments. He’s been held back in his life because of his fiscal obligations, and I want to ease that burden for him in any way I can. At last, with this new move, I feel like I can start to do that.
Stay tuned for plenty of photos as we make this mighty leap!
Since Thanksgiving, I’ve managed to hit the gym eleven times. That’s eleven more times than I went all summer long (apart from the one-off from time to time) and eleven more than I was expecting. While I realize that I still have a long way to go with regards to my fitness, I have been finding myself gaining back lost strength since the last time I was hitting the weights regularly. I feel my legs and arms swelling, growing muscles yet again. It feels good.
I’ve also noticed that my body is definitely aging. I’ve got a creaking right shoulder, stiff neck, and other parts of me that aren’t functioning as they once did. I am definitely noticing the effects of my sit-down/stress-laden job of bus driving. I have been reading over and over again just how bad my job is on a person’s body, with repetitive motion injury, stress, constant high levels of cortisol and the like. The gym, much as it always has been, is a proving ground for all of these things, and also an antidote to it, I hope. I hope it’s not too late for me to regain what I’d given up the moment my right knee gave out just under a year ago. I hope I can continue with this streak of going-and-doing the exercise that my body definitely needs.
Movement, as it always has been for me, is a method to sorting out my thoughts. I still don’t fully understand the chemistry or biology of it all, but I know that once I start putting my body into motion, suddenly, I can feel my thoughts stretching out into palatable lines of comprehension, rather than remaining a lint-ball of cross-purposes within me. I can take one idea and follow it to a logical and reasonable conclusion. I can ask myself the questions and do the reasoning that fully thinking something through requires, all while walking a fifteen-minute-mile on the treadmill, or bench pressing a few sets. I think it’s this dual purpose of exercise – not only to gain strength and stamina, but to also help process my thoughts with an added level of clarity – that keeps me going back. Sure, I’d like to once again be the skinny pretty man that I have been from time to time, but that might need to just be a by-product of it all, rather than the sole purpose.
It’s nice to be back there, back at the gym, back staring at the weight racks and noticing the fellas around me with the massive chests and multi-faceted arms and legs. It’s nice to feel my own personal power growing again, to allow myself the surge of endorphins that comes from a set well done. I’ve already got my eye set on the conditions outside so that I might make a return to running. I do need to purchase a couple of new pairs of sneakers – one for the gym, one for running outside – so hopefully I can find some good deals once the holidays are over. I want to get myself some new gym clothes too. It feels good to have something to focus on that I have complete control over, all while the political world that I find myself now inhabiting seems to be burning down around me. The gym is a respite from all of that, and I’m realizing that fact more and more these days.
As of this writing, I’m officially down twenty-four pounds since June 21st, 2016.
That’s almost half-way to 200, from the 250 I was at. It’s been two months. That’s twelve pounds a month. If I can keep this up, I will be around my goal weight of 175 pounds, which is where I was when I met Ray, by the end of the year.
I’m really having a moment about this today, and really needed to get it out of me.
I still am not ready to share what I’ve been doing, mostly because I had a bit of a revelatory moment back in June about how I’ve been approaching health and weight loss. For me, it seems, the more I announce things online, the more I share my gains and goals and plans with those who know me online, the more apt I am to falter and fall off the wagon. This time around, though, instead of posting about it (though I’ve come *really* close at times), I’m just sharing photos of myself. I think, in time, the weight loss will become more evident, and if asked about it, I might share my secret. It’s really no secret – it’s just a better system of eating that works for me – but because I’ve imbued it with a little magic – a little bit of my inner pagan self who finds power in concoctions and potions and recipes – I can’t talk about it. Doing so will dissipate the magic. It’s a little like Fight Club in that the first rule is that you don’t talk about Fight Club. So goes this new journey I’m on.
In any case, I feel a ton better. I’m feeling way more alive, more energized, and more in tune with the animal-creature-being that I am. I’m figuring out what cravings actually are, what hunger actually feels like, and how best to respond to these needs. It’s really a re-learning of the things that have always been inside me – the biofeedback loops we are all born with – that have been muffled by years of eating incorrectly and responding to cravings in a way that is detrimental to the rest of my health.
I’m anxious to start exercise again, especially since I haven’t done much since I had surgery on my knee last February. I really put myself in a hole after that, afraid of pushing myself, afraid of hurting myself more, and psychologically, it took a massive toll on me. I found myself justifying the pizza, the beer, the constant naps and lethargy to just compensate for how awful I was feeling about being broken and not being the young and elastic man I once was. Right now, I can feel those emotions sliding back, dissipating, leaving my body, and what’s replaced it is a new-found confidence.
I still have quite a few milestones to arrive at. I still have things I’m not quite doing right, but overall, I have to say I’m really, really enjoying this little journey of mine. Who knows. I might actually be Fit by Forty.
It’s been a really interesting summer. I went into it, with a very open work schedule, expecting to be able to get out and do a lot more than we have this year. My knee injury earlier this year, coupled with Ray’s ongoing shoulder problem, has kept us a little closer to home than I had anticipated. We haven’t gone camping as much as we did last summer, it seems, nor have we taken as many long-distant journeys around the Pacfic Northwest. That all said, it’s not like it’s been a bad summer at all. It’s been a lot more transformative than I expected.
We did get up to Canada, and celebrated Ray’s success at passing his Level 1 Sommelier exam. This act underlines his abilities to suggest and serve wine, and demonstrates on his resume and at future job interviews, that his knowledge is real and verified. It’s been a huge bump to his feeling of justification and personal security, and I’ve really seen a lot of worry and tension and depression start to wane in my boyfriend. Because of this, we’ve started actively exploring our next step, looking at employment options, housing options, and having longer discussions about what happens after living here in Portland. To that end, for myself, I’ve taken the steps to re-enroll in classes at the local community college in an attempt to learn new and different skills that can help me in my own job placement outside of Portland. It’s caused me to reconsider getting back into the classroom, to start the process of obtaining a teaching license, and as of tomorrow, has me registering for introductory courses in Computer Science. I’m starting to put more stock in the idea that Ray and I do, in fact, have a future that goes beyond the here and now, but I’m having these feelings and reacting to them in a way that isn’t going against Ray at all. Instead, there’s a synergy, a parallel, between him and I that has really sparked a new level of connection between us both.
I’ve really enjoyed the summer of the Jeep, even though it’s been a bit bumpy as a car owner. It has been broken into twice and has ended up back at the dealer twice now for repairs, but all in all, having that vehicle, my dream vehicle, with the top down and the tunes up, flying across the grasslands of central Oregon, or winding up through the mountains on either side of town, has brought me such joy and happiness. I love the freedom, I love the ability to throw the top down and just feel the world around me, and I love what being able to afford this vehicle has done for my feelings toward myself. Three years ago, I was an absolute fiscal mess. I had no job. I was stuck in a world that wasn’t of my design. I had nothing and no one to really turn to, and was allowing someone else, outside forces, direct me. Now, only a short while after, things have really changed for the better.
This summer has seen a real push with my writing, too. Having joined the small writing group that I belong to has been a real blessing in my life. Every other week, I now have a wonderful gaggle of people conversing with me about the book, about their own work, about the struggles we all face as we try to hone our craft. It’s super supportive, super engaging, and really reminds me that there is more to me than my ability to drive a bus and do the laundry. I’ve seen this sixth revision of a story I began back in 2011 really take some amazing shapes, and plumb a lot of depths that I was once too afraid to explore. In doing so, I am constantly feeling the loosening grip of darkness and fear that has always plagued me from telling a story that was as authentic as possible. This feeling of liberation has really expressed itself outward in my daily life, and I come back to the house, to my job, and to my boyfriend every other Wednesday night feeling renewed and resolved to go further and do better.
To that end, this summer has also been a lot about overcoming my insecurities with regards to my relationship and the faith I have in it. Ray and I have come up against moments that have required trust and commitment, as well as honest (sometimes brutally so) conversations about fear and worry that we both have. In being able to hold space for these kind of talks, though, and seeing the promises we’ve made to each other act out in real-time between us, has had the cumulative effect of really deepening the bond he and I share. Every day, it seems, he’s reminding me just how unlike any other man I’ve ever been this close to he truly is. I expect rebuke, I brace for antagonism, and a constant stream of doubt towards the choices and actions that I make for myself and the direction of my life. Instead, I keep getting more support, more love, more optimism from Ray. I had no idea that this is how a healthy relationship was supposed to work. I’m still learning and man – it’s such a valuable lesson.
Summer might be coming to an end soon, but we’ve still got lots going on this year to look forward to. I have school. Ray’s doing more and building out his resume in ways that will really set the stage for us soon. We’re also planning a joint adventure for our birthday that is shaping up to be a lot of fun and will bring us back to Denver, where I can reconnect with past friends and remind myself of where I’ve been. There’s also the chance that one of his dear friends will be joining us for Thanksgiving this year, so I might have the opportunity to put on a full-on feast, which I adore doing.
For months now, probably since my knee blew out in early February, I’ve been living in a state of pause. I stopped going to the gym. I stopped chasing health goals all around, and found myself looking at my list of things to do and achieve, and simply turning away from them. Each one of these goals felt insurmountable, unattainable, and requiring way too much focus and effort than I could muster. I don’t think I realized just how depressed and sanguine I’d become as I spent the month on the couch nursing my injury.
Summer has come, and I’m not any closer to reaching those goals – fitness, fiscal liberation, and the like – but something has snapped and broken inside me, for the better.
Earlier this week, I got news from a dear friend about a situation that has set him back on his heels in terms of his own life-trajectory. He’s facing a steep challenge over the next few months, possibly years, and while he reached out to me for support, I felt myself reverting into Oldest Sibling mode, planning and scheming and laying out a framework for how to help him move forward. I listened with intent to how he was feeling, and will continue to do so as he moves forward, but what this has done for me personally has been the gear-shift I’ve been needing.
I found myself able to sit down and go further with a chapter and section of my memoir that has been a huge challenge to face and come to terms with. I found a pathway forward in my own health journey that, for the first time in a long time, felt deeply close to my heart and something that I could claim as my own, rather than buying into someone else’s system, and ending up poorer and just as out of shape as when I started. I am seeing myself for what I am, right now, but I’m also once again visualizing where I want to be in a year’s time, when I turn 40, and what kinds of things I can do on a daily and consistent basis that will bring me to that place. That lamp in the dark, the thing that I am making my way towards, became clear, as though a thick bank of fog finally lifted and blew away.
This has been a good week.
It’s good to be back in my skin again, rather than feeling like an object in orbit around this lump of flesh that seemed to exist without purpose. I’m looking forward to see where this new-found drive takes me. Right now, though, I’m going to pour myself another cup of coffee and enjoy a quiet Thursday morning.
It should be noted that through all of this, Ray has been a steady rock. I’ve been able to lament to him about my stasis, and time after time, he reminded me that it’s okay to pause, to stop obsessing, to stop beating myself up for needing a break in all that I’ve got going on. We took off on a camping trip to Walla Walla, Washington, and even then, while I was dealing with a cold and full of snot and ick, he remained constant and life-affirming, all while I was feeling so dejected for seemingly ruining our trip. I am reminded daily just how lucky I am to have him in my life.