Yesterday, as I was stepping out of the house, and breaking away from the job hunt for a bit, my phone rang. It was my mother. I had plans, I needed to go and meet up with a friend, but instead of letting the voicemail pick up, I answered. She somehow knew that I needed to speak to her. This is an uncanny ability that she has. She has always known just when to call, just when to reach out.
She had read some of my latest Facebook posts, and caught onto the fact that I was feeling a bit frustrated by things. I try my damnedest to keep things positive on there (nobody needs yet another whiny friend on Facebook), but maybe I had let things slip through the cracks a bit. Whatever the reason, I knew I could tell her exactly what I’ve been dealing with.
I have been trying to find a way to disentangle my personal self-esteem and self-worth from the fact that I’m currently unemployed. I have to say, this nearly biological connection between the two has me baffled. Having no job has made me cut off social ties. It has kept me at the computer, constantly seeking my next opportunity to apply to. When I’ve tried to take a break from that, I find myself agitated and angry with myself for having not spent more time looking. I’m almost desperate with anxiety about missing an email or a posting for a job. Manic, really. Because of this, when I do speak to others, my voice trembles. I don’t have the confidence in what I’m saying, or doing. It has really beaten me down.
So, I told her all of this. The more I spoke, the more vocal I got, and I caught myself on the verge of yelling. I paused, and laughed, saying “you can hear it in my voice how upset this has made me, can’t you.” Of course she could.
Then, just like a fantastic mom, she said some pretty amazing things. She told me that she valued that I’m a person who lives for learning and growing my mind. She appreciates that I’m the way that I am, and that I shouldn’t be upset when, at times, I have to take a post or career that is not what I went to school for. She gets it. She gets me.
Things with my mom have not always been like this. We have fought tooth and nail before. Many tears. Quite a few arguments. Over time, though, I’ve come to open up to her like never before. It’s a parental connection that I truly am enjoying.
I needed to hear her yesterday, and though I was a little late catching up with a friend, I felt better. I felt like I could justify taking a break from the hunt and supporting a friend who needs it.