We had a good chat about things. It’s clear he is happy with how things are. It’s also clear he’s worried that his past and old self are going to ruin everything he and I have.
If I can teach him anything, it’s that we all have a choice, every single day, to be better than we were the day before. We all need to hold ourselves to a higher standard, and shake off the things that hold us back, including the very pasts from which we emerged.
I make a choice, daily, to remain with Ray. He does too. His decision may change tomorrow. So may mine. Letting this become part of who we are and what we are has made living in the moment far more engaging and enlightening than I first expected. It also means sitting with uncertainty, but over time, that has become manageable. In fact, I’ve learned to remain constantly honest with myself and with him because of this element of our relationship.
Being as open and honest with myself and with him has been the best thing I could ever do for us both. I lay my head down at night knowing I’ve done my best to simply be myself, in all ways. I have chosen to be this way, and it means, for me, that I’ve given up lying to myself about who I am, or forcing myself to be someone I’m not.
I truly believe, in the grander scheme of things, this has made a positive impact on him and I. I wish I had known this all a bit earlier in my life – the goddess herself only knows what could have been. Still, here I am, here he is, and here we are, doing and being whatever it is we are meant to do and be at this moment.
Really, that’s all I’ve ever wanted to have in my life. Presence. Present-tense. I am very, very humbled and grateful.