Since the first of the year, my body has morphed into something that I wasn’t expecting.  I had started off on a great footing mostly – hitting the gym constantly, finally eating calories that count.  What I wasn’t planning on, though, was the effect that having a sit-down job would have on me.  In the last six months, and more pointedly in the last month or so, I’ve really stopped all kinds of planned and prescribed exercise and dietary regimes.  I’ve literally let it all go, and it’s showing.  I put on a good pile of weight with the gym, and what I saw was both a mix of growth in muscle and strength, but also an expanding waistline.  Truth be told, it was, and has been, that expanding waist that triggered lots and lots of anxiety inside me.  I wish I could untie the connection between my self-worth and my physical appearance, but I can’t.

Earlier this week, I saw a post from a family member that included a photo of my father.  He’s put on a lot of weight over the years.  The fact is, most of my family on his side are heavy people.  They are the products of trusting food manufacturers, eating for comfort, and not having a decent view of exercise.  They, like millions of people their age, have let it all go for one reason or another, and I only see myself following in their footsteps if I’m not careful.

I see their size, the strain that being larger puts on their bodies (hypertension, diabetes, etc), and I am terrified.  Especially when I look in the mirror and can see myself getting larger and softer, just like them.  The last thing I need is any of those conditions.  I don’t want to become like them, and I don’t want to just let go and give up.  Still, as I sit here, I can feel the weight on my body.  I’ve gotten larger, I’ve gotten softer, and I am aware that if I don’t act, if I don’t get back on this fitness horse again, I’m going to end up exactly like them.  That is not something I want at all.

My brain knows what I need to do.  My body is still capable of shifting weight and morphing shape into something healthier, sexier, stronger, more fit.  I just need to do it.  I just need to carve out time and focus on it and me.  I’ve been distracted by my relationship with Ray and been focusing on work.  I’ve also used downtime with Ray – camping and such – as excuses not to be better with my fitness plans.  I need to not be like that.  I can’t just cop out of doing something because of any excuse.  My happiness, my health, and my future, cannot be procrastinated.  Inertia sucks.

I’m off to go running.

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