Last night, I got to see the last full moon I’ll have as a Coloradan. By this time next month, I will have begun my new life in Portland, Oregon, in a new time zone, in a new home, with a loving man, and at the threshold of a brand new way forward. By this time next month, I’ll be adjusting to all the newness, and the next full moon I see will be as an Oregonian.
Yesterday, I had a moment of pause while in the shower. No, I’m not that guy. I don’t typically have “ah-hah!” moments in the shower. I’m there to wash up and get on with my day. Still, yesterday, I was struck by something pretty awesome.
For years now, I’ve been cruel to my body. I’ve cast aside my other abilities and positive traits simply because my body is not up to the standard definition of hotness. Rather, what I’m attracted to is nothing like the body that I currently inhabit. I’ve longed to be taller, thinner, more defined, better musculature, all of the things that my genetic code simply won’t allow for. Because of this external desire, I’ve found myself disparaging myself and my reflection in the mirror ever since I can remember.
Then, yesterday, it hit me. Here I am, average height, a little plump, curvy around the edges. I have physical flaws that will always be part of me. I’m not perfect. Yet, I have found a man who can see all of these things, in one entire package, and still open up his heart, his home, and his life to share it with me. He accepts all of me, flaws included.
I am so, so thankful for all of this.
But it’s not just having Caleb in my life that has brought about this awakening.
I will say, my time in Colorado has brought me from a place of deep self-loathing, to a place where I’m at least making peace with the body I am in. I will continue to push myself and my physical limits as long as I live simply because I crave the movement and strain and sweat that comes from physical exertion. I will always push myself to do better and feel better and be healthier. But, I don’t have to do any of this as some sort of punishment for where I ended up springing from in the gene pool. I don’t have to spend my life beating myself up for not looking a certain way. I have more self-confidence now than I have ever had in any period in my life.
Colorado, and her people, have helped me get to this place.
This I am also so, so thankful for.