Today, I finally got my Oregon license. I passed all the tests and got my photo taken. I also registered to vote. I took a step towards making my way here, doing the thing that indicates to the world that I’m at a place, a citizen, and ready to participate in life here. What is astounding to me about this mundane thing is how much of an impact it has on me.
I don’t know what held me back from getting my license done earlier, when money wasn’t an issue. Something did, though. Something sub-consciously was working against my settling here, and now that I’ve done it, I feel this great sense of release building inside me. I don’t know where it’s come from. I need a home.
I haven’t had a home in so damn long. Each time I think I’ve found a place of mine, it falls apart, either by my actions or by the way life has twisted. It’s as if some force beyond mine has made it impossible to remain some place for any length of time. I think, maybe, I’m finally facing that down. What is it that I hang onto that keeps me moving? What am I running from? What am I not facing and not willing to deal with? I wish I knew. Maybe it was Thomas? Maybe it was Nate? Maybe it’s the idea of trusting those around me whom I let into my life and heart with being there when I need them (and then not being there)? Maybe I feel safe when I’m aloof, at the fringes, detached. It’s a wall. Something I do to protect myself. Remaining on the move keeps me from growing attached. Remaining distant, at arm’s length, and the rest, keeps me from being vulnerable, or giving people an opportunity to grow attached. I’m afraid of them getting too close. I’m afraid of so many things that running and being constantly detached is the only way I’ve learned to cope.
I need to face this down. I need to stake the claim of my life. I need to stop running, stop letting these fears push me onward. I need to grow up and be willing to let those around me get as close as they want to. I need to allow myself to be affected. I need to open up more to the ones who care and include me. And I need to let myself feel things again. I have put up such a thick, stone wall around myself. Ever the struggle to keep up an image, an appearance…it’s all such a huge energy suck. I want to put it all down. All of it.
I’m ready for it. I’m ready to sink my teeth in and hang on for a while. I’m ready to be one of the people that can be counted on to be there, to be here. I want to be trusted again. I want to be a go-to, a support, a thread in the fabric of things here.
I’m done with shutting off and shutting myself out.