I need to decompress from the weekend I spent in Seattle and Vancouver. I need to process all that is going on in my life as a result of that weekend.
Tonight, though, might not be the night. Still, I wanted to put down some words. Mostly, I want to talk about Caleb.
Caleb and I met, officially, and from the first moment we wrapped our arms around each other in a very warm greeting, I knew I had found where I needed to be. Right in his arms, with the smell of the sea in the air, and a wind coming from across the water at my face, I had found my space, my place.
Fact is, I love him. I have fallen in love with him, and made it official. I, Thomas, am now one of a couple. I am no longer a single man drifting where the wind takes him. I’m no longer a bar fly, a lurker online, or a man in search. I am the proud boyfriend of an amazing man.
We spent our first few moments in Seattle just walking around, getting our bearings. He awoke early, and met me along Alki Beach in West Seattle. From there, we simply drifted all over town. Walking around that magical place, up the hills, through the parks, grabbing a bite to eat or a coffee wherever we wanted, I realized I had simply stumbled into something absolutely breathtaking. Day became night, and we cuddled like two men who’d known each other for ages. We fit together. His silences were moments of him taking it in, realizing the person he’d met. My silences were often met with glassy eyes as I could feel the weight and release of the past flowing off of me.
When he called me out for saying the word ‘if’ too many times, and leaving a seed of doubt with regards to how I viewed the newly-minted ‘us,’ I promptly threw the word out. There are no more ifs here. Now, it’s a matter of when.
I will be moving in with Amanda in two days. I have so much packing and shifting to do. I have a lot of things to sort through and put to rest, and simply throw away. I don’t need a lot of what I have. I’m ready to shed even the slightest bits and traces of the life I knew before now, and truly start anew. That’s what the time between now and the moment I cross the threshold of the home that Caleb is making for us will be dedicated to. Shedding the anger, the frustration, setting stupid and silly mistakes and mis-calculations to right. I will be dedicated to making myself anew, with a recommitment to my health and well-being. Caleb deserves a husband who is as centered and grounded and strong as possible. I deserve to give this to myself, as a way of celebrating the man I have managed to become.
This is a totally new experience. This has gravity. This has true staying power. This is love, anew. Love for him, love for myself, and love of the life I’m leading.