Decided To Post
It has been a while since I had written anything here – or at least it’s felt that way to me, so I figured I’d sit right down and write myself a blog post. Yes, it’s been one of those weeks.
Things are winding down for me at DSW, thankfully. Today was, hopefully, the last Saturday morning I have to give up to the gods of consumerism and chasing paychecks. I won’t be working next week at 8am, and personally, I’m thrilled by that prospect. I only have a few short shifts between now and the end of my moonlighting job there, and to say that I’m happy to be rid of the place is an understatement. There have been moments in the recent shifts I’ve worked out of a sense of duty and responsibility to fulfill my two-week notice, that I just wanted to throw down my discount card and walk out. The petty, silly, stupid games played by managers in such a retail establishment, all focused on driving up numbers that equate to bonuses for them, just does my head in. I don’t live in that reality anymore, and frankly, I just don’t give a shit if a customer buys a pair of shoes or not. I just don’t care.
Tonight, Nate is off to Providence with his Friday Night Boys. It’s a gang of men he’s become friends with (and I have too, of course) that usually meet up on Friday nights at the Alley bar, here in Boston. It’s a great group of men, and though I already have plans tonight with Sean, I do hope he and the boys have fun in Providence. He has been working like a dog just to stay up to speed at his job, and he truly does deserve a night away from it all. That said, he works in the morning, and will be doing an all-nighter tonight…it’s what he does in order to have any semblance of a social life. No, it’s not the healthiest way to be, but needs must, and Nate needs to have a space of sociability in his life.
For my part, I’m all gussied up for an evening with friends myself, with dinner at friends, and then playing assistant on a photo shoot with Sean. It should be a good time, and I am looking forward to seeing an artist in action. This has been something he’s been planning for a while, so I hope it all goes good, and that I’m not in the way. I also hope to learn a little something about the photographer/model interaction. I will give a full report on the podcast tomorrow 
Things, as far as I know, are a go with Ethiopia, too. I put in for the 6.5 days off that I ‘d need to take, which would eat up all of my vacation time, but haven’t heard back anything from my manager.
Anyway, that’s about it. It was a long, arduous week at work, and I’m glad to be facing Saturday night again. It’s a good place to be.
-Thom
Thursday Morning Over Coffee
I do not know why, but it seems we’ve entered the darkest part of winter. Yes, yes, I know the sun is coming up earlier and setting later – it’s been doing that since December 21, 2009. Still, this time of year, the period between high winter and the beginning of spring, has become a real struggle as of late. Any energy that was on tap from the New Year, along with the resolutions and future planning, seems to have dried up, or just gotten lost in the thick of it all. I’m not sure why, or how I’m going to navigate my way out of this little hole I find myself in, but it’s taking all I have to just keep trying. No, I’m not necessarily whining (okay, maybe a little), as I know, once I find my feet under me again, I’ll be off and running like a shot. It’s just that I’m not getting any traction. The same can be said for life at work, and outside of work. I just feel like I’m keeping my head above a waterline that’s creeping up ever-so slowly.
I wonder what causes this? I know I’m not the only one who’s facing this feeling. Maybe it’s that, from a kid, we’re programmed to have a week off in February to gather our strength and get back on our feet? Maybe that’s what I miss? I do know, after a brilliant realization, that I’ll have next Monday off from at least one job, which, for me, is a sweet blessing. I’m hoping to spend my morning relaxing, somehow, and will have the energy to do the things I’ve been meaning to do for a while now. I still need to reconnect with influential people in my life and cajole them to write me a letter of recommendation. I still need to file my damn taxes. I still need to complete my FAFSA. I still need to write, and find some space in all this chaos to stoke that fire inside me which is nothing more than a bed of luke-warm coals at this point. I need to send an e-mail to my grandmother. There are so many things I need to accomplish – maybe I’m just feeling overwhelmed? Maybe this feeling of being in neutral is a direct response to how much I need to get done?
No, mom, it’s not procrastination. I will say, though, it might be lack of time management skills. Maybe I need to schedule myself more?? Ugh…I despise schedules, truly.
Anyway, as you can see, my mind can’t seem to stay on one train of thought for more than two seconds. It’s bouncing around like a pinball. I’m hoping to get through this cup of coffee, maybe pour another, and finally feel like I can start to face today. Just today.
-Thom
Mid-Week
I still can’t believe it’s only Wednesday. I’m feeling so tired, and beat down, surely, it must be closer to Friday than this? In any regard, I didn’t want to post just so I could bitch and moan. I wanted to just write down some of the thoughts that greeted me upon waking this morning.
Soon, there will be a shift in my life. Soon, if all goes well, my life will become a little restructured, and though I welcome a change up of things, I’m still wondering how I’ll make the adjustment. These changes, thankfully, have been coming at me in a semi-organic way – meaning if it felt good/right, I went with it; I am rolling with it. Still, as with most changes, there is an adjustment period, and it’s that time which usually causes the most anxiety in me.
Okay, so I’m talking rather nebulously, and for that I apologize. Honestly, after this Friday, I’ll go into more detail. I mentioned I have an interview for a new second/part-time job on the podcast. I’m also preparing myself mentally for the adjustment of school. I was working on my study plan yesterday morning, and as I was going into finer detail with what I want to focus on, and what I want my writing to explore, it really hit me that this whole process is going to take a large chunk of my already-short time. I may not have time to work both jobs, and attend to my studies. I would probably need to give up a job in order to create space in my day/week for the work I’ll be doing. I only hope I can manage to figure out a way to pay my share of the bills, and still be able to give the majority of my attention to doing my best with regards to school. Still, if there’ a will, there will be a way. It will be up to me to find it, and adjust. Always adjust.
For now, I do know I’m tired of working two jobs and having little to show for it. I can recognize when I’m not using my time in the most efficient way possible, or earning money in the most efficient way I can. I’m hardly using my degree, or any of my further education that I’ve already earned, so there’s lots of potential energy stored inside me that could be put to use. I could be commanding a higher salary, and it’s that realization that keeps me moving forward, trying to find the best balance of my time, and earning potential, to match my abilities and our expenses. Eventually, I will get there. Eventually, I will be in a more fiscally comfortable spot, with a work/life balance that comes close to the ideal for me. Until then, I’m going to be in flux, and I’ve got to keep on my toes.
Right…off to get ready to go to work!
-Thom
Tuesday Morning Random Ramblings
I woke up today with no intentions. I mean, normally, I wake up, make myself a cup of coffee, and sit down in front of the computer with the intention of putting some more words down, or catching up on the blogs I follow, or even just getting my iPhone updated. Today, though, none of that seemed to feel just right. I don’t know what’s going on with me, but lately, it feels like I’m just floating through my days, not really sure which direction I’m headed. I mean, I know I need to shower, eat, get to work, get home, then get to work again tonight. I also know I’ve got stuff I should be working on, and things I need to accomplish. It’s like just beneath the surface there lies all this motivation, but somehow, the surface of the pond has a skim of ice, and I can’t quite break through to that energy that lies just below, yet within sight. Even if I take a fist, or a hammer, to the ice, it’s strong these days.
And there I go talking in metaphor again.
I did manage to get my hands on a few books from the library yesterday, from probably the most disgruntled librarian I’ve ever met, I might add. Still, she checked me out, took my $.10 overdue fee, and at least she didn’t growl at me too loudly so as not to scare the children who were also in the library at that moment…
These are the books:
- How Fiction Works by James Wood
- Contemporary Gay American Novelists, edited by Emmanuel S. Nelson
- Rewilding the World: Dispatches from the Conservation Revolution, by Caroline Fraser
The last title was on a recommendation from listening to a show on NPR, and I know I’ve already got a STACK of books I should be reading, but from what I heard on the show (I think it was Talk of the Nation?), the book seems like it’ll be a good read.
Maybe I just need to get outside more often. It seems like, since we got back from Provincetown, I really haven’t gone outside during the day.
In fact, I spent most of last weekend inside, either at work, or here, at home, on the computer. Now that I think about it, maybe I’m just being super lazy, or avoiding the piles of work that are creeping in at me from all sides. Like my mom is keen to point out, procrastination has always been a fault of mine, and I just need to take the bull by the horns, knock off the BS, and get down to it.
Notice how the coffee’s kicking in, and my thoughts are starting to string together? Well, if not, I can certainly feel it.
So, here’s the plan, then. Strictly enforce a Twitter/Facebook blackout on myself for a few days, at least while I’m at home. Stop checking my damn phone for missed messages or updates from people. Take a little stroll in the morning to clear my head, and get me moving internally. Then, with a little music in the background, get down to it, and work some more on what I’ve been writing. See? When I put it down in writing, it doesn’t sound so hard, but when push meets shove, that’s where the true test of my resolve lies.
And, yes, I do enjoy a good stream of consciousness bit of writing from time to time.
A Call for Help: To my fellow LGBTQ? and Friends…
I am currently working on an application to graduate school, and as part of my application, I need to come up with a bibliography/resource list of books/material I can use to help further my study.
My study plan includes focusing on being gay and being from New England. Specifically, being a gay male, but any gender outsider’s perspective would be worth visiting and pondering over while I’m at school. Also, I’m examining New England, specifically in terms of the male perspective, but again, any perspective from a fellow New Englander, from any era/age, would be very, very helpful.
If any of you have any suggestions for scholarly, worthy writers/titles that I should include in my list, please feel free to leave a comment here, or better yet, you can just send me an e-mail: thompalmer@teachingthomas.net
Again, topic/subject is either Gay-centric, or, alternatively, living in New England.
I have a small, but growing, list already, given my own educational background, but as it’s a two year program, and I should be reading about 8-10 books a semster (give or take), I need a lot more than what I’ve got listed already.
Thanks!!
Silly Little Video at Christmas
Hey all! This is a poorly shot video of the Christmas parade in Boston’s North End! Rather funny how these parades tend to just appear on us, and we have no warning of them at all!
So, Why Do I Want to Join the Gym?
This was the question posed by my brother-in-law, Ben, last night, while we were at Ma ‘n Pa Brown’s house for dinner. Nate and I have decided that we need to get to the gym, as a couple, and really do something about how we feel about our bodies. Both he and I have certain goals we want to achieve, and as a personal trainer, Ben wants to help us achieve them. Nate was pretty clear to his brother about what it is he wants out of a membership to the gym. I, on the other hand, was not. Well, not to my standards, anyway. So, like a good blogger/writer, I’m here to hash it out on the page, right in front of you all.
I have been off and on at gyms for the past ten years of my life. It started as a way to control my weight while I was at UNH. It was part of my huge weight loss, and I attended the gym every other day, doing a small circuit of weight training. At that time, it was all about weight loss for me, so I never supplemented my work outs with any substantial diet that would allow for muscle development. I just wanted to be skinny. It wasn’t actually very healthy for me to be at the gym at that point, but it became an obsession for me.
Then I stopped. I stopped attending UNH all together, actually, and fell out of my routine at the gym.
A couple of years and a bad relationship later, I joined yet another gym in Portsmouth, NH. This time, it was all about getting sexy. I wanted to be the hottest boy to walk into the bar or the club. I wanted to shed some of the extra depression weight I had put on in the bad relationship, and for the most part, I did. But, again, I also put myself on a very, very restricted diet, and shed a ton of weight, plus I was working at a job that had me running on my feet all the time, and was about a forty-five minute walk away from where I lived, as I didn’t have a car at that point in my life. So, basically, the gym became something I didn’t really go to, and so I dropped my membership.
Then, the next time I joined a gym wasn’t until I graduated college in 2003. Nate and I had moved to Maine, and I was working a desk job. I had noticed my rear end was going very east-west, as I sat at my desk, and basically didn’t move all day. I didn’t have a walking regime, and I was feeling pretty let down about life after college. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted. So, I joined the local YMCA, and started to go. I didn’t really stick to that either, but it did give me a small outlet for my frustration. Again, I wasn’t supporting my gym work outs with any sort of diet, but this time, I think the gym helped me to focus my thoughts, and realize that I wasn’t happy where I was working. I ended that membership when I decided to go back to school, and we moved back to NH.
Then, the next time I joined a gym was when we were in England. I had made a drunken promise to run a 10k race, and needed to build some endurance in order to be able to complete it. I was doing some training in terms of running, but I wanted to also have some reserve muscle mass in order to carry me through the race. I also joined with a co-worker of mine, and the gym became more than just a place to take out my frustrations. It also became a social call. I was pretty good about sticking to the routine there, and up until the race, you would find me there about three times a week, making measurable progress in my health. The gym itself had a great way of tracking your progress, which made a big difference for me, and by the time we left England, I had increased my oxygen capacity in my lungs, lost a few inches where I wanted to, and gained a few where I should. It was pretty motivating, and probably the best gym experience I’d ever had.
So, now I’m doing it again. Only this time, it’s with Nate. This is going to not only make going to work out a social event, when we can do it together, but also a way to do something for each other. We will be able to boost each other’s confidence, and help each other stick to our goals. Also, having Nate’s brother there to help guide us and give us suggestions will help to keep us both accountable for our diet and exercise patterns, which I know I’ll be needing.
But, at the heart of it, I still need to figure out what MY goals are for going to the gym. Here are some of the thoughts I had, both last night and this morning:
- I want to be able to DO something. I have a low endurance level, and would like to have the strength and balance to be able to perform a task, be it biking, hiking, swimming, or running.
- I want to tone up. I’ve got squishy spots all over that have never really been toned. I’d like to see how I can reshape my body and build muscle. This, hopefully, will feed into how I carry myself when I’m walking around. I don’t want to be that strutting ego-maniac you always see who’s so damn proud of how he looks that it’s all he can do but stare down his nose at you if you’re the least bit out of shape, but a little bit of that would be good for me. I’ve never been that pleased with my body’s appearance, and even subtle changes in my shape could make me feel a whole lot better about myself.
- I want to be healthy. Really healthy. I’m constantly fighting a battle with my genes, be it from heart disease and cholesterol to diabetes and cancer. I know that being active, and supporting that activity with a healthy diet, will help me fight back against these risk factors in my life.
For me these are the big reasons for going. There are also the side effects of being more flexible, having a better mental outlook on things, to be able to sleep better, to deal with anxiety better, and on and on.
After the Vacation
I am not ready to return to the life I had prior to our getaway last weekend. It’s Tuesday morning at 6:23, and still my mind is at a place not too far away from here, where I was able to release all of my inhibitions, to explore my inner feelings and express myself outwardly in ways I haven’t ever been able to do. To say this vacation was enjoyable would be a massive understatement. I have come back a changed man, and I want to keep up these changes and not fall back into the trappings of the life I knew prior. I want to cling to the man I was while I was there, and nourish that side of me, bringing out my inner self, and letting the boy who giggled and smiled, winked and noticed, and felt completely alive, be part of my everyday life.
Nate and I took a four-day weekend and dispatched ourselves to Provincetown, Massachusetts. Honestly, I had thought that we’d make a day trip out of it, maybe spend an overnight there, but once we got there, what I thought was going to be a few hours walking around on the beach, exploring the vibrant town, turned into a wonderful journey for both Nate and I. As a couple, we were able to talk to each other more instinctively, less hesitantly, and from a place within ourselves that knows no judgement, no reserve, and no limits. There, in that tiny little beach town at the end of Cape Cod, we became so much closer, so much more in tune with each other, and it has made a massive impact on us both. It has stirred feelings and ideas that I’ve been protecting from exposure for so long. It has revealed to me just how magical it is that I’m with Nathaniel, and how truly amazing he really is. It has given me the chance to look up from the dark and dingy streets of Boston’s North End, and see an existence I never thought possible. In my mind, I see something greater, a life less mundane and repetitive, with more expression of the self, and celebration of who I am, who we are, and it’s something I want to make a reality.
I’m in fear of losing these feelings, and having written them down here, I feel like I’ve given them some permanence. I suppose that’s why I blog. It justifies who I am, where I’ve been, and gives me a place to reflect, plan, and take actions that will improve not only my life, but Nate’s life, and the life we share together.
Truly, I feel the start of something better in my life. I want to make it a reality. The time has come for me, and Nathaniel, to shine.
Of course, I took many pictures, and will be sharing them with you all shortly. Right now, though, I’ve got to get my act together, and put on the skin of the man I was before taking off with Nate. I need to fit my way back into the cogworks of this massive machine, where the almighty dollar is King. This time, though, I see things just a bit differently, and with a bit different perspective. I’m anxious to experience life knowing something better. Wish me luck.
-Thom
SoundByte 38
Today’s show is kind of strange. I mean, the topics are the usual: work, what I’ve been thinking, and what we’ve been up to, and what our plans are for the future. But it’s still strange. The common theme seems to be about becoming unfiltered in what I say, and expressing how I feel. Have a listen, and let me know what you think.
Music for Today:
- Hold Onto Me: Armin van Buuren
- How Long: Aly and Fila vs. FKN featuring Jahala
- Ride (Tiesto Remix): Cary Brothers
- A Rainy Afternoon: Armin van Buuren
- Shivers: Armin van Buuren
- Just Listen: OceanLab
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
At the Fan Pier on Sunday
I went out yesterday morning for a lovely walk. It was a grey day, with not much going on in terms of shadows and light, but it was pleasant, nonetheless, and was a decent day to go down to Boston’s Fan Pier to see what the whole Volvo Ocean Race was all about.
If you click on the picture of the blossoms, it will take you to the other pictures I took yesterday.
Apparently, the Volvo Ocean Race is a huge event, where boats and sailing teams race around the world. Boston is one leg of the trip, and the boats will be here for a while, with inner harbor racing taking place next weekend. I don’t know if I’ll be working, but I’d love to get back down to the waterfront to see it.
Click and enjoy!
-Thom
What Your Candy Says About You
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What Your Love of Snickers Says About You |
 You are a very popular person. People can always find something about you to like. You are friendly and approachable. It’s easy to feel comfortable around you. You are lively, playful, and sweet. But you are also substantial too. |
Soundbyte for November 2nd
Another day, another recording!
Today’s podcast talks about the previous week, a book I’m really into, a fabulous experience sub-teaching, and catches you up audio-like with your favorite returned ExPat Teacher!
Enjoy!
[podcast format="video"]http://teachingthomas.net/SoundBytes/SoundByte November 2.m4a[/podcast]
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
More Pictures!
The picture I chose for the top of the album is by far my favorite picture of myself. That’s me, without coffee.
Yeah…imagine dealing with THAT first thing in the morning!
-Thom
Click on Image for More!
