Mid-Week Thoughts
Good Morning all!
It’s a bright, sunny March Wednesday out, so far, and I thought I’d drop a few notes about some stuff that’s been rattling around in my noggin these past few days.
On Monday, Nate and I had a chance to meet up with a fellow blogger and resident of the North End. His name is Brian. You can find out more about him at:
We had a lovely time, meeting up for coffee and wandering around our neighborhood. Brian led us through a side of the North End we don’t normally visit – the area between Christopher Columbus Park and North Square, for those who are familiar with the ‘hood – and we discovered a lovely little market down there which Nate and I will be going to more often. It was really, really nice to meet a fellow member of the Tribe that lives in this uber-macho neck of Boston, and to have him turn out to be also level-headed, easy to talk to, and just all-around good natured and good humored was a pleasant surprise. We will certainly be seeing him again!
Yesterday was a trip to Nate’s grandmother’s for another AWESOME home-cooked Italian dinner with his family. I got to spend time with his aunt Carol, and the new niece of the family, Tracey, which is always a good time (I’m a sucker for babies), and actually found myself connecting a little with his other niece, Jade. I don’t know why, but maybe it’s because she’s now the oldest sibling that I understand some of her behaviors better. I was the oldest of two – we’re not sure how many baby Browns that Jade will preside over – but, as those of you who are also eldest siblings know – there is a certain level of responsibility, of expectation, and effort that goes into being the eldest one. In any case, I got to teach Jade to say please AND bat her lovely eyelashes whenever she needed something from me. It works like a champ every time!
On another note, I’m in the process of making plans to attend Boston’s St. Patrick’s Day parade on Sunday, in South Boston. I have put out the word to those who follow me on Twitter (ukthom) or Facebook, and have got a few people on board. I did, however, get one response from a fellow Twitter follower that made me do a little thinking, and I will talk a little bit more about that later. There’ s a certain level of history regarding this specific parade in terms of being a member of the GLBT family, and my time has run too short this morning to talk about it. Maybe I’ll post about it tonight, or tomorrow.
The school app is being sent off tonight, as well. Here’s to being nervous about that!
I also have managed to secure an appointment for my travel shots at Beth Israel Deaconess’ Travel Clinic here in Boston. I’ll be all shot up with the interesting vaccines one must take when traveling to certain countries next week, so that ought to be interesting as well. I’m SO excited to have finally started putting the ball into motion regarding this trip, and I’m really looking forward to it. I’ve had a few rough ideas about how to best present the trip, and everything about it, to you all, so stay tuned for happenings with the blog. I’m thinking I might try to implement WordPress MU, if that’s a hint…
Anyway, time IS short, and I must fly to work. Have a wonderful rest of your week, and I’ll post again soon!
XX
Thom
If I Could Turn Back Time…
…I’d totally smackdown the stupid fifteen year old who thought smoking a cigarette was a brilliant idea. I’d take him by the chubby throat, and scream at him, eyes blood-shot, rage (think 28 Days Later) blowing bits of spit and sputum into his face. Yeah, it’s that kind of anger that the withdrawals cause.
This giving up smokes thing is for the birds. I wouldn’t wish this struggle on anyone. I know, I’ve been updating Facebook with little positive-ish thoughts, and it’s been great to get the support and feedback from everyone. Still, last night made it two nights in a row I haven’t slept solidly through it all. I know it’s because of nicotine, and truly, I want nothing more than to have my body and my brain back under my own control. I know, though, if I persevere, and remember to take deep breaths, and do all the healthy things I should do to distract myself from it all, I’ll be a better, healthier person on the other side.
My biggest reasons to quit:
- Health (obviously)
- I don’t want to work a second job to support the habit
- I don’t want to be a social pariah who is relegated to going outside, alone, just to fix a craving.
- I’d like to taste/smell things as they should be.
- I want to have no hinderance on being able to do the things I want to do (physically).
I think, in the turn-back-time machine, I’d try to accomplish other things too, but for now, just having that stupid younger version of me look at Ben, the kid who gave me my first Camel Light, that fateful day we were in the woods in Salem, Maine, and say, “No, I’d rather not smoke. I don’t care how stressed out my life is right now. I really don’t want to pick up that habit.”
I can’t even begin to imagine how much money I’d have saved by never picking it up, let alone what shape my body would be in today if I didn’t have smokes holding me back. I suppose it’s a lesson best learned at some point, regardless of when in one’s life.
-Thom
A Quiet Sunday
I know, I know, I should have put out a show today. I got my notes all together, and nearly started recording, but the ADD kicked in, and I started the dishwasher instead. Just as it was finishing, Nate came home, and as he was out late last night, I didn’t want to keep him from catching a few zzzs this afternoon. In fact, he’s still sleeping – a 31 hour stint of awake time yet again. I love him to bits, but I get so worried when he does this to himself. Call me Worrywart Wanda, I guess.
This morning, I will admit, wasn’t without it’s productivity, however. I managed to dive head-long into a story I’ve been writing for a bit now. It’s a story about a young man who wakes up and realizes what opportunities he missed by following instructions, rather than his own personal instincts, while in college. I know that sounds super-generalized, but I don’t think I can really give anymore out than that. Someday, you’ll be able to read it, but for now, it remains a nebulous creation of yours truly. That, and it’s four other sibling-stories, are sitting there, looking up at me everytime I open my Google Docs account, and saying “do something with us, will you?”
Yes, my stories talk to me – like little children.
Along those lines, I did manage to get my FAFSA filled out and in the mail today. Now, all I need to do is secure one more letter of recommendation – something I’m going to do start after writing this post – and get my transcripts from UNH sent to Goddard. After that, I just hit the “Submit Application” button on the Goddard website, then cross my fingers. Hard. And my toes.
Gosh, there aren’t many hurdles left for me to overcome with this application, are there??
Don’t mind me, just having a bit of a reality moment.
…
Anyway, so I managed to do that this morning. I’m liking the way my editing skills are starting to take initiative, too. I feel I can really look down the bones of my stories and pull out the essential bits, and refine them to where they sound reasonable and logical, and closer to what I had initially envisioned. I suppose this skill just comes with time and practice, but of course, I wouldn’t have known that without first going through the paces.
I also want to drop a quick note to my Brother and Sister in Law as they welcome their new daughter (and my new niece) Tracey into the world. I haven’t had a chance to see the little sweetie, but mom and baby are doing okay, by all accounts, and are resting at the hospital for a bit before coming home. Hopefully next weekend, I’ll be able to go meet the little darling.
In other news, there’s not much else going on. It’s my last week at DSW this week (three more shifts – Monday, Thursday, and Friday). I’m pretty pleased with that. I’ve been fighting off the urge to just walk out of every shift since I gave my notice, but I’ve managed to keep it together, so far.
I guess that’s it! I’ll have more to talk about on tomorrow’s Early Morning Edition of the From Bostonia podcast. I want to go a little deeper with my writing, and my thoughts on my writing, and as promised, I will talk a little about the photo shoot I was at last night. I do hope this post finds you all well. I’m keeping the Chilean people in my thoughts, and I hope you are too.
-Thom
St. Valentine’s Day
Ahh, Sunday. The day I have forcefully kept as my very own, free and clear of any work-related obligations, and a day when I can do/create/be anything I want.
Today, though, is also Valentine’s Day. It is a day that I will be spending with Nate, doing anything we like, but as a couple. I know, for years, I used to LOATHE Valentine’s Day, and I’m still not a huge fan, on the principle that love between two people should be celebrated everyday, all the time, rather than get glamoured up in pink and red and shoved into a storefront in the form of chocolate boxes, stuffed animals, cheese-ball cards, and pink champagne. That said, it’s easier to accept such a holiday from this side of the single/coupled fence. I’m coming to terms with it.
I will be doing a podcast at some point this weekend – maybe today, maybe tomorrow – and I have loads to share. I’m thinking tomorrow morning, as I actually have President’s Day off! I wanted to share, however, some of the pictures I’ve been taking over the past few weeks. It’s been so damn cold that I haven’t really had a chance to go out for a proper photo shoot. Those days are coming, though. I hope so, at least…the cold is driving me a little closer to insanity at this point.
Click for More!
SoundByte 56
Hey all! It’s another Early Monday Morning show! We had an awesome weekend, which I recap, and reveal a little bit about where I’m at, both in my head, and looking forward. Thanks for downloading the show, and look for more posts on the blog – I don’t do it enough, I know.
XX
Thom
This Week’s Music:
- By Your Side: Melina
- My Feeling: Junior Jack
- Bliss (Alpha 9 Club Mix): Alpha 9
- My Saving Grace: ATB
- Feel Your Love: Kim Sozzi
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Mid-Week
I still can’t believe it’s only Wednesday. I’m feeling so tired, and beat down, surely, it must be closer to Friday than this? In any regard, I didn’t want to post just so I could bitch and moan. I wanted to just write down some of the thoughts that greeted me upon waking this morning.
Soon, there will be a shift in my life. Soon, if all goes well, my life will become a little restructured, and though I welcome a change up of things, I’m still wondering how I’ll make the adjustment. These changes, thankfully, have been coming at me in a semi-organic way – meaning if it felt good/right, I went with it; I am rolling with it. Still, as with most changes, there is an adjustment period, and it’s that time which usually causes the most anxiety in me.
Okay, so I’m talking rather nebulously, and for that I apologize. Honestly, after this Friday, I’ll go into more detail. I mentioned I have an interview for a new second/part-time job on the podcast. I’m also preparing myself mentally for the adjustment of school. I was working on my study plan yesterday morning, and as I was going into finer detail with what I want to focus on, and what I want my writing to explore, it really hit me that this whole process is going to take a large chunk of my already-short time. I may not have time to work both jobs, and attend to my studies. I would probably need to give up a job in order to create space in my day/week for the work I’ll be doing. I only hope I can manage to figure out a way to pay my share of the bills, and still be able to give the majority of my attention to doing my best with regards to school. Still, if there’ a will, there will be a way. It will be up to me to find it, and adjust. Always adjust.
For now, I do know I’m tired of working two jobs and having little to show for it. I can recognize when I’m not using my time in the most efficient way possible, or earning money in the most efficient way I can. I’m hardly using my degree, or any of my further education that I’ve already earned, so there’s lots of potential energy stored inside me that could be put to use. I could be commanding a higher salary, and it’s that realization that keeps me moving forward, trying to find the best balance of my time, and earning potential, to match my abilities and our expenses. Eventually, I will get there. Eventually, I will be in a more fiscally comfortable spot, with a work/life balance that comes close to the ideal for me. Until then, I’m going to be in flux, and I’ve got to keep on my toes.
Right…off to get ready to go to work!
-Thom
Tuesday Morning Random Ramblings
I woke up today with no intentions. I mean, normally, I wake up, make myself a cup of coffee, and sit down in front of the computer with the intention of putting some more words down, or catching up on the blogs I follow, or even just getting my iPhone updated. Today, though, none of that seemed to feel just right. I don’t know what’s going on with me, but lately, it feels like I’m just floating through my days, not really sure which direction I’m headed. I mean, I know I need to shower, eat, get to work, get home, then get to work again tonight. I also know I’ve got stuff I should be working on, and things I need to accomplish. It’s like just beneath the surface there lies all this motivation, but somehow, the surface of the pond has a skim of ice, and I can’t quite break through to that energy that lies just below, yet within sight. Even if I take a fist, or a hammer, to the ice, it’s strong these days.
And there I go talking in metaphor again.
I did manage to get my hands on a few books from the library yesterday, from probably the most disgruntled librarian I’ve ever met, I might add. Still, she checked me out, took my $.10 overdue fee, and at least she didn’t growl at me too loudly so as not to scare the children who were also in the library at that moment…
These are the books:
- How Fiction Works by James Wood
- Contemporary Gay American Novelists, edited by Emmanuel S. Nelson
- Rewilding the World: Dispatches from the Conservation Revolution, by Caroline Fraser
The last title was on a recommendation from listening to a show on NPR, and I know I’ve already got a STACK of books I should be reading, but from what I heard on the show (I think it was Talk of the Nation?), the book seems like it’ll be a good read.
Maybe I just need to get outside more often. It seems like, since we got back from Provincetown, I really haven’t gone outside during the day.
In fact, I spent most of last weekend inside, either at work, or here, at home, on the computer. Now that I think about it, maybe I’m just being super lazy, or avoiding the piles of work that are creeping in at me from all sides. Like my mom is keen to point out, procrastination has always been a fault of mine, and I just need to take the bull by the horns, knock off the BS, and get down to it.
Notice how the coffee’s kicking in, and my thoughts are starting to string together? Well, if not, I can certainly feel it.
So, here’s the plan, then. Strictly enforce a Twitter/Facebook blackout on myself for a few days, at least while I’m at home. Stop checking my damn phone for missed messages or updates from people. Take a little stroll in the morning to clear my head, and get me moving internally. Then, with a little music in the background, get down to it, and work some more on what I’ve been writing. See? When I put it down in writing, it doesn’t sound so hard, but when push meets shove, that’s where the true test of my resolve lies.
And, yes, I do enjoy a good stream of consciousness bit of writing from time to time.
A Week Beyond
So, I know, I know…I’m overdue for a podcast. I promise, there will be a show this weekend, and probably an extended one. I’ve got so much to catch you all up on. This morning, though, I wanted to just get some stuff out in writing, and see where it takes me.
A week ago, Nate and I were tucked away in our little room in a quaint little guest house in Provincetown. A week ago, I was struggling to unwind, struggling to let go of my anxieties and just relax on our little break from reality. Today, I find myself struggling to get up the gumption to get out of bed, let alone be productive and creative. It’s like my body is here, in Boston’s North End, but my mind (and potentially my heart) have found a home away from home at the end of Cape Cod and are refusing to catch the next bus home. I’m clinging to the feeling of relaxation, of not taking myself so damn seriously, and of simply smiling because I woke up to see the day before me. I know, eventually, this feeling of floating will subside, and I’ll be looking at the calendar, wondering when my next opportunity to get away with Nate will be coming. For now, I’m just getting through the week, and hoping the weekend comes quickly and painlessly.
I am pretty happy with the progress I made this week with regards to my school application. I decided to just give it up, and submit my writing pieces. When I mean submit, I mean I’ve added them to my school application, with the unwritten understanding that I won’t be editing them again until I’m actually in school. I’ve put that whole fear of failure with regards to the words I wrote behind me, and now am looking at gathering the info I need to plan out two years of studying. I have a general idea of the overarching focus of what it is I’m going to be doing, but it’s the finer details that I’m worried over. I also need to develop a bibliography of books I’ll be using in my studies. It’s going to take some time, and some research, but I think I’ll get there, hopefully by the end of next week. That, coupled with filling out my FAFSA, will put my application to rest, at least in terms of my end of it. There’s still the letters of recommendation to collect, and transcripts to request. Soon, though, it’ll be complete. Then, it’s a matter of waiting to hear from Goddard.
There are so many other things rolling around in my head right now that need to be attended to, and sorted through, but I’m hoping a little downtime this weekend will prove to have the soothing effect I need. Right now, I just need to get my life in order, and get through the tasks I feel have fallen behind, organize my schedule, and set some reasonable goals in terms of my writing. I also get to undertake filing my 2009 taxes (joyful time), and hopefully get a sizable refund. That would come in VERY handy right now – especially in terms of putting money in the bank, and saving for our next adventure out.
Anyway, I’ve got to get ready for work, but know I’ll be back on the air this weekend, with a mouthful to say, I’m sure. Thanks for standing by!
-Thom
The People We Know…
So, since around Thanksgiving…actually, since we got back from Provincetown last October, Nate and I have made a concerted effort to get out and meet new people. Along the way, we’ve met some fantastic guys and been out to some of Boston’s best establishments that serve a good drink, and create a comfortable, relaxed atmosphere for us to be ourselves. I wanted to take a few bytes of space on this blog to do a little favor for a couple of guys who also have podcasts on the web.
Sean M Johnson
Sean K and Sean J (left to right)
Sean is a post-graduate teaching fellow at the Museum of Fine Arts school here in Boston. He and I met online, through a shared appreciation for photography. One conversation led to another, and on Thanksgiving day, he invited Nate and I to come to his house for a little post-feast party. I’m so glad we went! Sean, and his partner Sean, his roommate Jen, and the circle of guys that surround Sean J have all been really, really nice people, and have welcomed Nate and I into the social circle. Each of them possesses a creative streak. They’re also very independent-minded, and bring to the table something different, be it a perspective, an opinion, or a certain style. I mention Sean J specifically because he has just launched a podcast of his very own. I have included a link to it below, but also recommend you visit his website, listed in the sidebar under Family and Friends on the Web. Be warned, though, his site is NSFW, or for the faint of heart, but I highly recommend visiting it, and taking a few minutes to see what Sean has created, and what he’s caught through the eye of his lens.
Queer Art F*g Podcast (via iTunes)
Joseph Colbourne
I met Joe through Sean J (see above), when we attended the party on Thanksgiving Day. The first conversation I had with Joe went in a really great direction, as we talked about our future, what we wanted to do, and the direction we were going to take. Joe is also a local sort-of celebrity, having been listed as Boston’s Best DJ/Dance for 2009 (evidence is here: The Boston Phoenix). He also has his own blog, and podcast. I have had the pleasure of going to some of the shows Joe DJs at, and his music is of the sort you can lose yourself in, or enjoy simply as a background to a decent night out, or in a deep conversation. He has lots of energy, and his intense personality is very charming. I do recommend having a listen to his podcast, too, and going to check out his pages (via his blog).
DJ Joseph Colbourne (via iTunes)
These guys, and the friends we’ve made/met over the past few months have been a real uplifter to the usual drear and cold of a Boston winter. Hanging out with them has reminded Nate and I that we are not as alone as it sometimes feels, and that there are really decent people to meet out there, if only we have the courage to do so.
-Thom
Frosty Morning Thoughts
This past week was the first full-length week of work since before Christmas. Honestly, I couldn’t wait for Friday to come. Now that it’s Saturday morning, and I’ve got a short shift at DSW this morning, then freedom till Monday, I’m feeling the effects of such a long week. I don’t know why, but everywhere I turned, I found something to stress over. If it wasn’t a terrible phone call from an irate customer, it was a project that needed to be done ASAP, or racing to get home in time to run back to my next job. I did find one morning to accomplish quite a bit of writing, but that was because, for some reason, my body thought 3:30 am was a great time to wake up. It was a nice respite from the rest of the week, but for the last two days, I’ve been playing catch up with my sleep. Only today am I starting to feel more like myself.
Nate made mention of the anxieties in my life right now during the week last week, and that’s been sticking with me for a bit. I suppose I am facing some rather big things right now, and maybe, underneath it all, I am worried about a lot. In no particular order they are:
1. School application. I need to finish/edit/submit the damn thing and just put it out there for all to witness. Letting go of it, and putting my work up for judgement does, in a way, terrify me. Okay, so it really terrifies me.
2. Work. Both jobs are building pressure on me, kind of like a pressure cooker you’d use to make canned beans. I can see the gauge on the top of the cover inching upwards in p.s.i., and I’m not sure how to relieve the stress, or let some of it go. I know I need to keep trying to leave the stress of work at work, but this week, I found that to be more of a challenge.
3. Health. I’m pretty sure I put on a little weight over the holidays, and though I really don’t want to think about it, and I don’t want it to be an impediment to my life, I’m reminded that I need to clean my act up and make the efforts needed to slim back down a bit every time I walk or move. Bits of me are a bit more round than I would prefer. Nate constantly reminds me that I still look fine, and when I look in the mirror, I know I’m not seeing some drastic need for a weight loss regime. Still, I feel it. It’s a general malaise that needs physical activity – be it a run or a brisk, long walk a few times a week or something more intense, like a gym membership – in order to shake it. I’m also feeling the pressure to make another attempt at giving up the nic-sticks so we can afford to go to they gym. This too must be done. I just need to find the willpower and wherewithal to actually make an attempt.
It’s not a really bad life I lead, and I know these stresses are minute compared to those that many of you, and most of the people around me, face on a day-to-day basis, so I try to keep that in mind whenever I feel myself going back into my shell. Still, these little points of anxiety are resting on me, I feel them, and I know they all need to be dealt with.
-Thom
So Many Thoughts
So, I’ve just spent the last hour doing research. I’m trying to build the bibliography I had mentioned in an earlier post, and I’ve discovered a side of me that I forgot was there – my inquisitive side. Digging deeper into citations, the reference lists of various scholarly articles, and pouring over documents that I could find online has proven to be not only successful, but as I go deeper, and dig further, I find myself smiling. Truly smiling. I want to go further with this, I want to see where this line of inquiry takes me.
I also want to see how it affects the writing I do. My goal is to broaden and deepen the writing I’m already doing. I’m still searching for the right tone/voice for my characters. For me, having a past, a sense of place, and a history to draw from helps in understanding who my characters are.
Of course, now it’s just after 7am, and I need to put it all on hold to go to work. ARGH!!! Such is the frustration of my life these days. I suppose getting up a little earlier might work – though I’m up at 5:30am as it is just to give myself this small window of time already. It just reminds me, daily, how different I want my life to be from what it is today. Someday, soon I hope, I will be living in a world where I set my own schedule, to a point, and where I can take the time/space I need to follow both my head, and my heart, and not just go chasing a paycheck.
A Call for Help: To my fellow LGBTQ? and Friends…
I am currently working on an application to graduate school, and as part of my application, I need to come up with a bibliography/resource list of books/material I can use to help further my study.
My study plan includes focusing on being gay and being from New England. Specifically, being a gay male, but any gender outsider’s perspective would be worth visiting and pondering over while I’m at school. Also, I’m examining New England, specifically in terms of the male perspective, but again, any perspective from a fellow New Englander, from any era/age, would be very, very helpful.
If any of you have any suggestions for scholarly, worthy writers/titles that I should include in my list, please feel free to leave a comment here, or better yet, you can just send me an e-mail: thompalmer@teachingthomas.net
Again, topic/subject is either Gay-centric, or, alternatively, living in New England.
I have a small, but growing, list already, given my own educational background, but as it’s a two year program, and I should be reading about 8-10 books a semster (give or take), I need a lot more than what I’ve got listed already.
Thanks!!
A New Year Begins
I am currently writing from a hotel room in Torrington, CT. Nate and I are with his parents and aunt, and will be attending the funeral of one of Nate’s family members who passed away just before Christmas. He was a very close cousin to Nate’s father, and by all accounts, a dear man to many people. His passing was sudden, and being around the holidays made for quite a shock to those close to him. For me, it’s the first time I will be meeting a side of Nate’s family that I’ve never seen before.
Funerals aren’t always the best places to meet extended family members, but it is generally at these times, and at weddings, when such meetings occur. I’m nervous, and was slightly hesitant about coming, but now that I’m here, I’m glad I came. I know my father-in-law appreciates having the support of his close family nearby.
I will go into more detail tomorrow on the podcast, especially with regards to our New Year’s Eve festivities, so do come back to the blog tomorrow.
Happy New Year!
Thom
Breakthrough…a beginning
This morning, I stared down the question on the application for school that has me detailing my plan of study for the next two years. The program I’m applying to is self-directed, so as part of my acceptance into the program, I need to demonstrate that what I want to do, and how I intend on achieving a Masters in Fine Arts, is up to snuff. I need to demonstrate that I can plan, I have a goal, and that there’s some semblance of direction with my course of study.
I have spent a large portion of time locked in this sort of freeze-up in my head. Each time I sat down to plan, I felt like I was staring down the barrel of a gun, and if I strayed from what is considered acceptable, my application would be tossed into the bin, and I’d be passed over for a better candidate, a better student, someone with more focus and vision. I have been in utter terror of that happening, and in fact, that’s been the entirety of the application process for this program. With each question on the application, I’m faced with the fear of being judged, of being tossed aside. This morning, though, I had a little bit of a psyche-up with myself, and broke through that fear, at least a little bit.
I got angry with myself for being scared, and then set about detailing the stuff I want to do while I go back to school to earn my MFA in Creative Writing. No, it may not be the most polished plan, and I still have a couple of semesters to fill in, but it’s something. I don’t want to get into too much detail here, yet, but suffice to say, what I want to get out of further education, and how I intend on using my time at the school I’m applying to (if I stick to what I’ve written so far), will be some of the most amazing, creative work I’ve every taken on. I’m putting my heart and soul into this opportunity, and I would love nothing more than the opportunity to see where this path leads me.
I guess, in the end, I could do what I want to do on the plan I’ve created without attending school, but as an educator in search of a higher degree, if I can incorporate earning a better pay rate, and another credential on my resume, with a deep-seeded passion of mine (writing), then it’s all for the better.
Again, and as always, more details to come as all this unfolds.
-Thom
SoundByte 51 Inter-Holiday Show
Today’s show is all a reflection on our Christmas, with a little peek into New Year’s and the resolutions I have. I wanted to extend a warm thank you to everyone who follows me on here, listens to the show, and offers such amazing support and friendship. Thank you to all, and I hope you had a wonderful holiday!
Today’s Music:
- Song For a Winter’s Night – Sarah McLachlan
- My Favorite Things – Herp Albert and the Tijuana Brass
- Sleigh Ride – Herp Albert and the Tijuana Brass
- Christmas is Coming – Vince Guaraldi
- My Saving Grace – ATB
- I Remember – Deadmau5
- LA Nights – ATB
- Time After Time – Sarah McLachlan and Cindy Lauper
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Post Christmas 2009
It’s a rainy, warm day here in Boston today. It’s a day that’s kind of grabbed my thoughts, and won’t seem to let go. I don’t know if I’m just decompressing from the crazy time that was two weeks before Thanksgiving up till now, or what it is, but I can’t seem to shake myself out of it. I woke up today with tons of thoughts in my head. Perhaps it’s just a good day to write, to get some of it out, like releasing the steam on a pressure cooker, and maybe take a walk in the rain. I’m not sure yet, but I can feel something brewing.
I’m totally looking forward to next year, both on a personal level, and from the perspective of being one half of a happily married couple. Nate and I had a fairly topsy-turvy year last year, but things finally took a nice swing in a positive direction, and by all accounts, we’re still moving in a positive direction. We are now preparing for our winter break away from reality, as we are headed to Provincetown for a long weekend in the stunning silence of January on the outer cape. I know we’ve been making lots of social connections lately, but truth be told, I’m ready to recharge my batteries. I’m going to be using our little getaway not only as a chance to finally celebrate our first anniversary as a married couple and nine years of being together, but also as a chance to put my real desires and plans for the new year out there. I don’t know what that means completely, but I know there are a few things that could happen next year that would be more positive steps in the right direction, for both us as a couple, and me as a part of that relationship.
I’m talking vague here…There will be more details to share as they unfold, I promise. For now, I’m going to do a little writing, record a show, and if the mood strikes me still, I might take a little venture out in the rain. The stuff I’m made out of floats more than melts, so I know a little rain won’t hurt me.
XX
Thom
So, Why Do I Want to Join the Gym?
This was the question posed by my brother-in-law, Ben, last night, while we were at Ma ‘n Pa Brown’s house for dinner. Nate and I have decided that we need to get to the gym, as a couple, and really do something about how we feel about our bodies. Both he and I have certain goals we want to achieve, and as a personal trainer, Ben wants to help us achieve them. Nate was pretty clear to his brother about what it is he wants out of a membership to the gym. I, on the other hand, was not. Well, not to my standards, anyway. So, like a good blogger/writer, I’m here to hash it out on the page, right in front of you all.
I have been off and on at gyms for the past ten years of my life. It started as a way to control my weight while I was at UNH. It was part of my huge weight loss, and I attended the gym every other day, doing a small circuit of weight training. At that time, it was all about weight loss for me, so I never supplemented my work outs with any substantial diet that would allow for muscle development. I just wanted to be skinny. It wasn’t actually very healthy for me to be at the gym at that point, but it became an obsession for me.
Then I stopped. I stopped attending UNH all together, actually, and fell out of my routine at the gym.
A couple of years and a bad relationship later, I joined yet another gym in Portsmouth, NH. This time, it was all about getting sexy. I wanted to be the hottest boy to walk into the bar or the club. I wanted to shed some of the extra depression weight I had put on in the bad relationship, and for the most part, I did. But, again, I also put myself on a very, very restricted diet, and shed a ton of weight, plus I was working at a job that had me running on my feet all the time, and was about a forty-five minute walk away from where I lived, as I didn’t have a car at that point in my life. So, basically, the gym became something I didn’t really go to, and so I dropped my membership.
Then, the next time I joined a gym wasn’t until I graduated college in 2003. Nate and I had moved to Maine, and I was working a desk job. I had noticed my rear end was going very east-west, as I sat at my desk, and basically didn’t move all day. I didn’t have a walking regime, and I was feeling pretty let down about life after college. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted. So, I joined the local YMCA, and started to go. I didn’t really stick to that either, but it did give me a small outlet for my frustration. Again, I wasn’t supporting my gym work outs with any sort of diet, but this time, I think the gym helped me to focus my thoughts, and realize that I wasn’t happy where I was working. I ended that membership when I decided to go back to school, and we moved back to NH.
Then, the next time I joined a gym was when we were in England. I had made a drunken promise to run a 10k race, and needed to build some endurance in order to be able to complete it. I was doing some training in terms of running, but I wanted to also have some reserve muscle mass in order to carry me through the race. I also joined with a co-worker of mine, and the gym became more than just a place to take out my frustrations. It also became a social call. I was pretty good about sticking to the routine there, and up until the race, you would find me there about three times a week, making measurable progress in my health. The gym itself had a great way of tracking your progress, which made a big difference for me, and by the time we left England, I had increased my oxygen capacity in my lungs, lost a few inches where I wanted to, and gained a few where I should. It was pretty motivating, and probably the best gym experience I’d ever had.
So, now I’m doing it again. Only this time, it’s with Nate. This is going to not only make going to work out a social event, when we can do it together, but also a way to do something for each other. We will be able to boost each other’s confidence, and help each other stick to our goals. Also, having Nate’s brother there to help guide us and give us suggestions will help to keep us both accountable for our diet and exercise patterns, which I know I’ll be needing.
But, at the heart of it, I still need to figure out what MY goals are for going to the gym. Here are some of the thoughts I had, both last night and this morning:
- I want to be able to DO something. I have a low endurance level, and would like to have the strength and balance to be able to perform a task, be it biking, hiking, swimming, or running.
- I want to tone up. I’ve got squishy spots all over that have never really been toned. I’d like to see how I can reshape my body and build muscle. This, hopefully, will feed into how I carry myself when I’m walking around. I don’t want to be that strutting ego-maniac you always see who’s so damn proud of how he looks that it’s all he can do but stare down his nose at you if you’re the least bit out of shape, but a little bit of that would be good for me. I’ve never been that pleased with my body’s appearance, and even subtle changes in my shape could make me feel a whole lot better about myself.
- I want to be healthy. Really healthy. I’m constantly fighting a battle with my genes, be it from heart disease and cholesterol to diabetes and cancer. I know that being active, and supporting that activity with a healthy diet, will help me fight back against these risk factors in my life.
For me these are the big reasons for going. There are also the side effects of being more flexible, having a better mental outlook on things, to be able to sleep better, to deal with anxiety better, and on and on.
Thoughts on a Saturday Morning
It’s early on a Saturday, and normally, I’m up now, doing a bit of writing before going to work for either seven or eight o’clock. Today, however, for some strange reason, I’m not scheduled to work. My hours at the shoe store have tanked as of lately, and it’s becoming not really worth my time saying I’m employed there, because honestly, being employed means actually doing work. I’m not doing much of anything at DSW, and so the hunt resumes for a better second job.
But that’s not why I’m writing this morning.
Nate and I met Sean and his partner, and roommate and friends, on Thanksgiving day. I had been chatting with Sean for a while online, and in the spirit of reaching out and meeting a new person physically, he invited Nate and I to his house for a post-feast gathering on Thursday. We showed up to his place in Jamaica Plain, and honestly, had the best time ever. It was so relaxed, so comfortable at his house, and the people he introduced us to were really, really nice. For the most part, they were all artistically minded, Sean having his MFA in Photography, and his friends being creatively minded as well. At one point in the conversation, Sean asked if I ever thought of going for an MFA in Creative Writing. Since he asked that question, it’s been on my mind, and become a bug in my ear I can’t quite squash. Usually, for me, that’s a sign.
I’ve done a little investigation, and from what I’ve found, there are two programs here in Boston, one offered by UMass Boston, and one offered by Emerson College. I’ve got to do more research into it, and Sean gave me the name of a person who works at Goddard to contact regarding an MFA there, but for now, it’s just an information gathering activity. I’ve still got so much work to do on the story I’ve been writing over the last month, and I have other thoughts and ideas starting to bubble up to the surface for other stories, too, so I’m not sure if I’m really there, in terms of applying what I’m doing to a program of study. There’s also the monetary issue if I were to undertake such
a program, which Nate and I would have to discuss. Still, at the end of it all, Sean piqued my interest, made the hairs stand up on my neck, and now I’m wondering just how far I could take this little hobby of mine.
I also need to balance the fact that Nate needs to go back to school. I know he wants to, but he feels we’re not at a place to be able to have him go to school full time. The fact is, we’re not anywhere near that, fiscally speaking, and would only be there if I were to finally get the teaching job I’ve been searching for. For us, though, me having a master’s degree (either in Creative Writing, or English, or even
Education) would open more doors for me. With a master’s degree, I could also work at a community college. I’d also be more eligible for a teaching post in Boston Public, or any other school department. If I were to land a job, a master’s degree would command a higher salary too.
There are so many thoughts running through my head this Saturday morning. Perhaps, for now, I’ll just go back to writing.
-Thom
Homeward
So, I’m back at 39k feet, on the last leg of a long journey home. The weekend has been exhausting and drained me of a lot of stamina. Thankfully next week is a short week, and as I won’t be at work today, it will be nice to spend the day with Nate.
I miss him, but I know he had a great time when he could. We both managed to sleep only out of sheer exhaustion, so relaxing together today will be a welcome relief for both of us.
And, yes, red-eye flights are no fun unless they are direct and over ling distances. Lesson learned.
I will write more later.
Thom
In Flight
So, I’m currently mid flight between Boston and Minneapolis, MN, on my way to San Diego, CA to attend and work at the ACTFL conference. It has been the craziest month getting ready for this, and last night was the pinnacle of stress and anger as I worked furiously to make a major piece of presentational material ready for the show. Of course, it was wracked with problems and last-minute changes. Still, the end product us what it is, and I don’t want to make any more changes. Once we land, I will get to mess around on the laptop to get it all figured out.
It’s been a while since I’ve been away from Nate for any length of time, and actually, I think it might be a nice break away, if only to build the affection we share when we are together. I hope he has a great weekend, and I can’t wait to hear what he got up to.
For now, I’m at 34k feet, tired, hungry, and have a LONG day ahead of me.
Thom
Letting Go
So I’m learning to let go of the past. As winter approaches, and the fall has come to the end, I can feel the wheels turning again. This time, I’m letting go of a very tough relationship I had when I first came out of the closet. I had a nightmare last night that seemed to be me reliving that personal hell, but upon reflection, it has explained, in full color detail, just what it is I need to do.
For years, whenever I’ve been apart from Nate, I fought internally with an indescribable fear that he was going to leave me. This is a direct result of my experience in a distant past relationship, and has been an anchor around my neck for over a decade. It’s ridiculous and unfounded to have this past event affect my current situation, but I know it goes even deeper than that.
It’s also tied to my parents divorce. The pain of losing that piece of my life-fabric has been with me for a huge length of time too
This Writing Thing
I wanted to do a quick post, and reflect a little on this project I’ve taken on for the month of November. As you may recall, and can see from my Weekly Twitter Updates, I’ve been attempting to complete the NaNoWriMo competition by writing 50k words by the end of November. Basically, it’s a chance to finally attempt the task I’ve been meaning to do for quite some time now – get down the words to a story. I’ve been struggling with this task for years, probably ever since I could put two sentences together. I’ve always enjoyed telling stories, and reading them, and I’ve always been meaning to try and write some of them down. This month, and for the past two months now, I’ve finally begun that task. I’m doing the easy part now, according to my friend Shawn (an avid writer and fan of the written word), and just getting down the words. The hard part of editing will come later. I know I’ll be chucking out most of what I’ve written thus far, but that’s not what this post is about. Today, it’s all about the writing.
Currently, I’m up to about 13000 words. That’s just this month. If you also count the words I wrote last month, I’ve topped over 20k words since getting back from Provincetown with Nate for my birthday. Just over 30 days ago, I started earnestly putting pen to paper (well, typing, but you get my point), and look how far I’ve come? I’ve actually got over 20k words!
If I think about it, and let it sink in, honestly, I feel so proud of myself. I know, I know, I shouldn’t gloat and it sounds kind of tacky to wax poetically about this, but truth be told, I’m in a spot where I need something like this in my life. Each day is a measurable step towards something greater, perhaps, and without putting too much pressure on myself, or on the story, I’m really hoping to make this act of writing a life-time thing.
Does that mean I’m writing exquisite prose at every turn? Hell no! Like I said, this is just about getting down the words. Yes, someday I’d love to see my book in print, my words wrapped in a glossy cover, facing outward on a shelf in a bookstore. The truth is, that may or may not ever become a reality, but I’m much closer to achieving that now than I’ve ever been. For now, that feels great.
I actually feel like a writer.
-Thom
A Public Apology
Yesterday, I got a phone call while at work from someone who took issue with what I had said in my last post. What happened was a crescendo of anger, frustration, shouting, hanging up, and all around Jerk-ittude from me that didn’t need to happen. It has been on my mind, all last night, and as I woke up this morning, and I needed to do something about it. I responded to this person in an e-mail, but I wanted to make a public sort of statement about where my feelings came from, and do a little exploration as to where my rage came from too.
Last week’s vote in Maine was personal to me. I’m from Maine. I get the Maine way of doing things, and I understand the general feeling across the majority of the state (towns south of Portland – sorry, you’re not the majority, even if your population says otherwise). I know of the fierce protectiveness of privacy, of family, and the strong belief in living a just, decent life, and being respectful to others, including those with less, who need, and who deserve to be treated as humans should be. Those are the values you can find in a Mainer, no matter if they’ve lived there all their lives, or even just a few years in their childhood. Those are the values that make me proud to say I’m from there.
Last week’s vote, however, was not a true reflection of what it means to be from Maine, in my opinion, and the campaign to remove equal marriage protection only served to confuse, obfuscate, and deflect the vote to represent something it wasn’t. In the end, the voters of Maine were left confused, and perhaps decided the way they did based on not wanting to change something that was never perceived as broken, rather than as an extension of fundamental rights that every couple, regardless of the gender/identity make up of the two individuals, should have. They were left feeling fear, and the nerves of protectionism, of holding true to long-standing values, and all the rest, were touched upon by the proponents of Question 1.
Of course, this is all how I see it, and what I understand from my vantage point, a legally married gay man in Massachusetts.
What the vote left me feeling, after the dust settled, and it was clear that Question 1 had passed, was a sense of anger. Of true, raw, anger. How can a body of people decide whether or not my relationship to my husband is of value? How can anyone outside of myself and Nathaniel decide for us whether or not we are a couple, under whatever god you choose, but primarily before the state? It sickens me still to think that my relationship to my husband, my marriage, can be called into question and politicized the way it has been. For those of you reading this from California, you understand all too well how this feels.
So, I was angry, and on the day after the vote, I was up early, anxious to get the results, and when I did, I wrote the post you saw on Wednesday. When I write, especially in that frame of mind, my filter is perhaps not as strong as it should be. I shot from the hip, said what was on my mind, but upon reading it again, I realize that the way I expressed my feelings wasn’t the best, and it is this confusion of words that brought the phone call to me yesterday. Though I still feel the way I did last Wednesday morning, the prickle of anger that may have been directed towards specific individuals in my life should not have been there.
So, after an apologetic letter, and hopefully some time for the dust to settle again, I’m here, left wondering where all my rage comes from. I’m left wondering how it is I can become so instantaneously infuriated like I did yesterday. It’s taken a lot out of me, it’s left me feeling cold and dark inside, and it has hurt people who are close to me.
I know in the recent past, I’ve really come into myself, especially in terms of aligning myself with my own values, and taking a stand for what I believe in. I was there at the Proposition 8 rallies, I’ve been a loud, proud supporter of universal public health, and every time I’ve been engaged with these topics, and have spoken my opinion, written a blog post, recorded a SoundByte, talked to my coworkers and friends, I’ve felt a little be more sure about who I am, and what I stand for. I have thought about each topic, or have experienced life in a way that has led me to believe in things the way I do, and it’s because I feel firm and secure in these opinions, that my self, my whole being, has been on this massive upswing. Perhaps that’s why my whole body reacts with rage when what I feel is right gets called into question.
I do know this – I have a lot of pent up energy inside me. I want nothing more than to create a life, and a space to live that life, where I can live the values I hold true. Sure, those include all that I learned in my childhood in Maine, but it also includes bringing all parts of me to the forefront. I need to keep this fire inside me burning, as the more I work on becoming myself, the better of a person I will be. What I need to do, though, is remember that that fire inside me, which keeps my thoughts rolling, and gets me out of bed to spend more time fighting for what I believe in, can be dangerous, and destructive, if turned on the wrong person. I need to learn to keep it, to cherish it, but to also direct it appropriately. Yesterday, I failed at that.
Today, well, it’s a new day. Today, I’m going to enjoy the afternoon with my husband, catch up with an old friend, and hopefully a new one, and just be.
To the people in my life that have received my anger in ways that are uncalled for, for being the wall I bang my head against, for being in the firing line in front of me, I apologize. I know now, perhaps more than ever, I need to find a better way to let it out, to put that frustration to work for positive change, and to be able to lay my head down at night knowing I did the best I could, and didn’t hurt anyone in the process.
Here’s to a new day.
Very First Thoughts Today
The Proudest Day of my Life
Before I settle into some decent writing this morning, I think a post is due. It’s a little about Question 1 in Maine, and it’s passage in yesterday’s election, but it’s also just some rambling thoughts…bear with me.
I woke up this morning at quarter to four, and immediately checked the ballot results. Much to my dismay, as you all must realize by now, Maine repealed the right to marriage for same sex couples. Calling itself the “People’s Veto,” this measure stripped away any legal rights that currently are reserved for straight couples, but had been granted to same-sex couples, such as Nate and myself. These rights include, but are not limited to, end of life decision making, inheritance, tax laws, and insurance coverage. There are many more protections and rights granted to married couples, but those are the ones I can think of now, 5:26 in the morning. Basically, all of those rights, which are granted to Nate and I here in Massachusetts, are now not extended to us whenever we go to visit my family, who live in Maine. Now, when we cross the border to visit my hometown, we leave the protections and legal rights we have as a married couple at the Piscataqua River bridge. We are deigned a second-class couple, and are not afforded the same status as our straight couple counterparts.
Will someone tell me how this is anywhere near fair? How is it possible that a majority gets to decide what rights a minority group gets? Who are they to decide who is worthy and not worth of receiving equal protection under the law?
To say I’m upset is barely scratching the surface.
A couple of weeks ago, I sent an e-mail to my family, both my father’s side, and my mother’s side. I asked them to just keep Nate and I in mind when they voted. I would never, ever have done anything like that for any other political issue, as I respect that they usually keep their politics close to the breast, and hold the privacy of one’s vote in high regard. I would never ask them how they voted, as that’s none of my business, but this time, on this question, I had to say something, even if it was just a quick note. I got a loud and proud response from my Mom, and her husband (a true-blood redneck, I might add), that they were going to support gay marriage anyway they could.
I never got a response from my father’s side – but that didn’t surprise me. They were the side of the family I didn’t expect a response from.
Still, Nate and I are planning on going home to my family’s place for Thanksgiving. I’m dreading the topics of conversation. They will do everything and anything to skirt around politics, I’m guessing. They might not. I don’t know, but I do know, right now, I’m worried about it. And I don’t want Nate to have to go through that, either.
Let it be said, I’m so damn proud of being a resident of Massachusetts. Today, perhaps, more than ever, I am proud to be in a state that recognized my legal rights as a citizen, and a member of a minority group, and didn’t give the decision to protect and uphold those rights over to the masses to decide. The politicians saw it differently in Massachusetts – they saw that protections, however unpopular they might be politically – needed to be extended to include ALL people, regardless of what color, shape, or preference they had. After all, we’re all HUMAN. In the end, it’s our humanity that binds us – the differences in labels, in ideologies, in opinions are what keeps us from having to wear silly “HELLO, MY NAME IS…” name tags.
