Mid-Week Thoughts
Good Morning all!
It’s a bright, sunny March Wednesday out, so far, and I thought I’d drop a few notes about some stuff that’s been rattling around in my noggin these past few days.
On Monday, Nate and I had a chance to meet up with a fellow blogger and resident of the North End. His name is Brian. You can find out more about him at:
We had a lovely time, meeting up for coffee and wandering around our neighborhood. Brian led us through a side of the North End we don’t normally visit – the area between Christopher Columbus Park and North Square, for those who are familiar with the ‘hood – and we discovered a lovely little market down there which Nate and I will be going to more often. It was really, really nice to meet a fellow member of the Tribe that lives in this uber-macho neck of Boston, and to have him turn out to be also level-headed, easy to talk to, and just all-around good natured and good humored was a pleasant surprise. We will certainly be seeing him again!
Yesterday was a trip to Nate’s grandmother’s for another AWESOME home-cooked Italian dinner with his family. I got to spend time with his aunt Carol, and the new niece of the family, Tracey, which is always a good time (I’m a sucker for babies), and actually found myself connecting a little with his other niece, Jade. I don’t know why, but maybe it’s because she’s now the oldest sibling that I understand some of her behaviors better. I was the oldest of two – we’re not sure how many baby Browns that Jade will preside over – but, as those of you who are also eldest siblings know – there is a certain level of responsibility, of expectation, and effort that goes into being the eldest one. In any case, I got to teach Jade to say please AND bat her lovely eyelashes whenever she needed something from me. It works like a champ every time!
On another note, I’m in the process of making plans to attend Boston’s St. Patrick’s Day parade on Sunday, in South Boston. I have put out the word to those who follow me on Twitter (ukthom) or Facebook, and have got a few people on board. I did, however, get one response from a fellow Twitter follower that made me do a little thinking, and I will talk a little bit more about that later. There’ s a certain level of history regarding this specific parade in terms of being a member of the GLBT family, and my time has run too short this morning to talk about it. Maybe I’ll post about it tonight, or tomorrow.
The school app is being sent off tonight, as well. Here’s to being nervous about that!
I also have managed to secure an appointment for my travel shots at Beth Israel Deaconess’ Travel Clinic here in Boston. I’ll be all shot up with the interesting vaccines one must take when traveling to certain countries next week, so that ought to be interesting as well. I’m SO excited to have finally started putting the ball into motion regarding this trip, and I’m really looking forward to it. I’ve had a few rough ideas about how to best present the trip, and everything about it, to you all, so stay tuned for happenings with the blog. I’m thinking I might try to implement WordPress MU, if that’s a hint…
Anyway, time IS short, and I must fly to work. Have a wonderful rest of your week, and I’ll post again soon!
XX
Thom
Decided To Post
It has been a while since I had written anything here – or at least it’s felt that way to me, so I figured I’d sit right down and write myself a blog post. Yes, it’s been one of those weeks.
Things are winding down for me at DSW, thankfully. Today was, hopefully, the last Saturday morning I have to give up to the gods of consumerism and chasing paychecks. I won’t be working next week at 8am, and personally, I’m thrilled by that prospect. I only have a few short shifts between now and the end of my moonlighting job there, and to say that I’m happy to be rid of the place is an understatement. There have been moments in the recent shifts I’ve worked out of a sense of duty and responsibility to fulfill my two-week notice, that I just wanted to throw down my discount card and walk out. The petty, silly, stupid games played by managers in such a retail establishment, all focused on driving up numbers that equate to bonuses for them, just does my head in. I don’t live in that reality anymore, and frankly, I just don’t give a shit if a customer buys a pair of shoes or not. I just don’t care.
Tonight, Nate is off to Providence with his Friday Night Boys. It’s a gang of men he’s become friends with (and I have too, of course) that usually meet up on Friday nights at the Alley bar, here in Boston. It’s a great group of men, and though I already have plans tonight with Sean, I do hope he and the boys have fun in Providence. He has been working like a dog just to stay up to speed at his job, and he truly does deserve a night away from it all. That said, he works in the morning, and will be doing an all-nighter tonight…it’s what he does in order to have any semblance of a social life. No, it’s not the healthiest way to be, but needs must, and Nate needs to have a space of sociability in his life.
For my part, I’m all gussied up for an evening with friends myself, with dinner at friends, and then playing assistant on a photo shoot with Sean. It should be a good time, and I am looking forward to seeing an artist in action. This has been something he’s been planning for a while, so I hope it all goes good, and that I’m not in the way. I also hope to learn a little something about the photographer/model interaction. I will give a full report on the podcast tomorrow 
Things, as far as I know, are a go with Ethiopia, too. I put in for the 6.5 days off that I ‘d need to take, which would eat up all of my vacation time, but haven’t heard back anything from my manager.
Anyway, that’s about it. It was a long, arduous week at work, and I’m glad to be facing Saturday night again. It’s a good place to be.
-Thom
Mid-Week
I still can’t believe it’s only Wednesday. I’m feeling so tired, and beat down, surely, it must be closer to Friday than this? In any regard, I didn’t want to post just so I could bitch and moan. I wanted to just write down some of the thoughts that greeted me upon waking this morning.
Soon, there will be a shift in my life. Soon, if all goes well, my life will become a little restructured, and though I welcome a change up of things, I’m still wondering how I’ll make the adjustment. These changes, thankfully, have been coming at me in a semi-organic way – meaning if it felt good/right, I went with it; I am rolling with it. Still, as with most changes, there is an adjustment period, and it’s that time which usually causes the most anxiety in me.
Okay, so I’m talking rather nebulously, and for that I apologize. Honestly, after this Friday, I’ll go into more detail. I mentioned I have an interview for a new second/part-time job on the podcast. I’m also preparing myself mentally for the adjustment of school. I was working on my study plan yesterday morning, and as I was going into finer detail with what I want to focus on, and what I want my writing to explore, it really hit me that this whole process is going to take a large chunk of my already-short time. I may not have time to work both jobs, and attend to my studies. I would probably need to give up a job in order to create space in my day/week for the work I’ll be doing. I only hope I can manage to figure out a way to pay my share of the bills, and still be able to give the majority of my attention to doing my best with regards to school. Still, if there’ a will, there will be a way. It will be up to me to find it, and adjust. Always adjust.
For now, I do know I’m tired of working two jobs and having little to show for it. I can recognize when I’m not using my time in the most efficient way possible, or earning money in the most efficient way I can. I’m hardly using my degree, or any of my further education that I’ve already earned, so there’s lots of potential energy stored inside me that could be put to use. I could be commanding a higher salary, and it’s that realization that keeps me moving forward, trying to find the best balance of my time, and earning potential, to match my abilities and our expenses. Eventually, I will get there. Eventually, I will be in a more fiscally comfortable spot, with a work/life balance that comes close to the ideal for me. Until then, I’m going to be in flux, and I’ve got to keep on my toes.
Right…off to get ready to go to work!
-Thom
A Week Beyond
So, I know, I know…I’m overdue for a podcast. I promise, there will be a show this weekend, and probably an extended one. I’ve got so much to catch you all up on. This morning, though, I wanted to just get some stuff out in writing, and see where it takes me.
A week ago, Nate and I were tucked away in our little room in a quaint little guest house in Provincetown. A week ago, I was struggling to unwind, struggling to let go of my anxieties and just relax on our little break from reality. Today, I find myself struggling to get up the gumption to get out of bed, let alone be productive and creative. It’s like my body is here, in Boston’s North End, but my mind (and potentially my heart) have found a home away from home at the end of Cape Cod and are refusing to catch the next bus home. I’m clinging to the feeling of relaxation, of not taking myself so damn seriously, and of simply smiling because I woke up to see the day before me. I know, eventually, this feeling of floating will subside, and I’ll be looking at the calendar, wondering when my next opportunity to get away with Nate will be coming. For now, I’m just getting through the week, and hoping the weekend comes quickly and painlessly.
I am pretty happy with the progress I made this week with regards to my school application. I decided to just give it up, and submit my writing pieces. When I mean submit, I mean I’ve added them to my school application, with the unwritten understanding that I won’t be editing them again until I’m actually in school. I’ve put that whole fear of failure with regards to the words I wrote behind me, and now am looking at gathering the info I need to plan out two years of studying. I have a general idea of the overarching focus of what it is I’m going to be doing, but it’s the finer details that I’m worried over. I also need to develop a bibliography of books I’ll be using in my studies. It’s going to take some time, and some research, but I think I’ll get there, hopefully by the end of next week. That, coupled with filling out my FAFSA, will put my application to rest, at least in terms of my end of it. There’s still the letters of recommendation to collect, and transcripts to request. Soon, though, it’ll be complete. Then, it’s a matter of waiting to hear from Goddard.
There are so many other things rolling around in my head right now that need to be attended to, and sorted through, but I’m hoping a little downtime this weekend will prove to have the soothing effect I need. Right now, I just need to get my life in order, and get through the tasks I feel have fallen behind, organize my schedule, and set some reasonable goals in terms of my writing. I also get to undertake filing my 2009 taxes (joyful time), and hopefully get a sizable refund. That would come in VERY handy right now – especially in terms of putting money in the bank, and saving for our next adventure out.
Anyway, I’ve got to get ready for work, but know I’ll be back on the air this weekend, with a mouthful to say, I’m sure. Thanks for standing by!
-Thom
Having Returned
We needed that. We needed the chance to re-connect, to break away, and to take a breath. Our trip to Provincetown, MA over last weekend provided us with the perfect opportunity to do all we were missing during the holiday season last year. We shared each other’s company, we got out in the fresh air, we shared a few drinks, ate a fabulous meal or two, and took a few deep, well-earned breaths of fresh January air.
Below is some of the evidence of our little excursion:
Click for more!
I needed the chance to refocus my energies on the things that I began shortly after our last trip to Provincetown last October. I came back from that trip with a heightened sense of ability, a realization that our life was too damn confined and limited, and a real drive to move forward. This trip served as a refresher of those exact same feelings. I was able to jot down some thoughts while we were there, in a little composition book that I kept with me for most of our trips out. I was able to take a step back, and work on building up my own confidence in my abilities, and now realize that the only thing standing in my way is myself, even more than I thought before this trip. In fact, I realize more clearly now that I need to finish what I’ve started, not only for my benefit, but for the benefit of Nate, and our relationship. He deserves a chance at a life better than the one we have currently, and it’s my responsibility, not only as his husband, but as a man who owes so much to him, to provide for him, and for us. I can do that, as long as I am able to take the massive leap of faith in myself that needs to happen.
There’s so much going on in my head right now. I’m feeling myself stumbling over what to write, even here. I suppose, for now, I’ll stop, and go into more detail on my next podcast, which will probably be sometime this week, if not on next Sunday. For now, I’m just going to let the after-glow of the long weekend away continue to wash over me, and not get too wound up about things. Being overly anxious only serves to stand in my way when dealing with what lies ahead for me.
-Thom
Before We Go…
So, before we head off to Provincetown, MA for our anniversary celebration/mid-winter break from reality, I wanted to do a quick blog post, and just share a few of the thoughts rolling in my head.
As most of you know, the Prop 8 Trial has started in California. Though I’m very much on pins and needles to see how the trial turns out, honestly, I’ve tried my damnedest to not get too worked up over it. I know, I know…but, Thom, you’re a gay man who’s married, and this trial can have a direct impact on your life and the legal status of your marriage…believe me, I’ve been saying that to myself for days now. After the loss of gay marriage rights in Maine, though, I’ve recoiled, and in a way, turned my attention inward. I don’t agree that the right to marry should be on display, or even up for judgement. It should just be. That said, I appreciate the legal system we have in this country, and I appreciate the process of getting the laws written down in such a way as to protect current and future people from discrimination. I do hope for a positive result of the trial, and I desperately want my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters in California to be afforded the same rights that I currently share with Nate here in Massachusetts. I still don’t understand the ramifications of this case being tried on a federal level, but I have a feeling it’s going to be a precedent-setting result, one way or the other.
I’m also staring down the application for school that is a constant reminder on my desktop. The application essays need to be edited, the questions all answered to the best of my ability, and honestly, I haven’t had the courage to face them lately. It’s not that my passion for it has waned, as I know going back to school, and doing it the way I’m applying to, is the right direction for me. I just need a little more reassurance, from myself to myself, that I’m worth and capable of chasing down this goal and achieving it. I’m hoping that the recharge of my batteries this weekend will provide me with that assurance, and though I’m not going into this break in P’town with any real expectations or goals, it would be nice to come back with a clearer head, and a more focused drive to get this application off my desk. For that, I’m just going to need to dig deep.
I will be going “radio-silent” while we are away, though I have a feeling Nate isn’t going to be the same this time around. If you do need to reach me, you can send an e-mail, and if it’s urgent, I’ll respond, but until Tuesday morning, you won’t be hearing much from me. Unplugging worked wonders for me the last time we took a break like this, so I’m hoping to have a repeat performance.
Thank you to all of you who have wished us the best, and who continue to follow me, and us, online. We’re a funny couple of guys, but truly, we do appreciate the love and support you all have given us.
My thoughts are also with the people of Haiti, as they come to grips with the massive earthquake that has rocked that tiny, desperately poor country to its core. Please, keep them in mind, and do what you can to help. Even a good thought (or prayer, if that’s your thing) will do a small amount of good. Heaven knows, there’s not enough attention paid to the others who inhabit this planet, and taking a moment out of our days to send some cosmic good out there would be a refreshing change for most of us, myself included.
Till Tuesday!
XX
Thom
Frosty Morning Thoughts
This past week was the first full-length week of work since before Christmas. Honestly, I couldn’t wait for Friday to come. Now that it’s Saturday morning, and I’ve got a short shift at DSW this morning, then freedom till Monday, I’m feeling the effects of such a long week. I don’t know why, but everywhere I turned, I found something to stress over. If it wasn’t a terrible phone call from an irate customer, it was a project that needed to be done ASAP, or racing to get home in time to run back to my next job. I did find one morning to accomplish quite a bit of writing, but that was because, for some reason, my body thought 3:30 am was a great time to wake up. It was a nice respite from the rest of the week, but for the last two days, I’ve been playing catch up with my sleep. Only today am I starting to feel more like myself.
Nate made mention of the anxieties in my life right now during the week last week, and that’s been sticking with me for a bit. I suppose I am facing some rather big things right now, and maybe, underneath it all, I am worried about a lot. In no particular order they are:
1. School application. I need to finish/edit/submit the damn thing and just put it out there for all to witness. Letting go of it, and putting my work up for judgement does, in a way, terrify me. Okay, so it really terrifies me.
2. Work. Both jobs are building pressure on me, kind of like a pressure cooker you’d use to make canned beans. I can see the gauge on the top of the cover inching upwards in p.s.i., and I’m not sure how to relieve the stress, or let some of it go. I know I need to keep trying to leave the stress of work at work, but this week, I found that to be more of a challenge.
3. Health. I’m pretty sure I put on a little weight over the holidays, and though I really don’t want to think about it, and I don’t want it to be an impediment to my life, I’m reminded that I need to clean my act up and make the efforts needed to slim back down a bit every time I walk or move. Bits of me are a bit more round than I would prefer. Nate constantly reminds me that I still look fine, and when I look in the mirror, I know I’m not seeing some drastic need for a weight loss regime. Still, I feel it. It’s a general malaise that needs physical activity – be it a run or a brisk, long walk a few times a week or something more intense, like a gym membership – in order to shake it. I’m also feeling the pressure to make another attempt at giving up the nic-sticks so we can afford to go to they gym. This too must be done. I just need to find the willpower and wherewithal to actually make an attempt.
It’s not a really bad life I lead, and I know these stresses are minute compared to those that many of you, and most of the people around me, face on a day-to-day basis, so I try to keep that in mind whenever I feel myself going back into my shell. Still, these little points of anxiety are resting on me, I feel them, and I know they all need to be dealt with.
-Thom
So Many Thoughts
So, I’ve just spent the last hour doing research. I’m trying to build the bibliography I had mentioned in an earlier post, and I’ve discovered a side of me that I forgot was there – my inquisitive side. Digging deeper into citations, the reference lists of various scholarly articles, and pouring over documents that I could find online has proven to be not only successful, but as I go deeper, and dig further, I find myself smiling. Truly smiling. I want to go further with this, I want to see where this line of inquiry takes me.
I also want to see how it affects the writing I do. My goal is to broaden and deepen the writing I’m already doing. I’m still searching for the right tone/voice for my characters. For me, having a past, a sense of place, and a history to draw from helps in understanding who my characters are.
Of course, now it’s just after 7am, and I need to put it all on hold to go to work. ARGH!!! Such is the frustration of my life these days. I suppose getting up a little earlier might work – though I’m up at 5:30am as it is just to give myself this small window of time already. It just reminds me, daily, how different I want my life to be from what it is today. Someday, soon I hope, I will be living in a world where I set my own schedule, to a point, and where I can take the time/space I need to follow both my head, and my heart, and not just go chasing a paycheck.
Breakthrough…a beginning
This morning, I stared down the question on the application for school that has me detailing my plan of study for the next two years. The program I’m applying to is self-directed, so as part of my acceptance into the program, I need to demonstrate that what I want to do, and how I intend on achieving a Masters in Fine Arts, is up to snuff. I need to demonstrate that I can plan, I have a goal, and that there’s some semblance of direction with my course of study.
I have spent a large portion of time locked in this sort of freeze-up in my head. Each time I sat down to plan, I felt like I was staring down the barrel of a gun, and if I strayed from what is considered acceptable, my application would be tossed into the bin, and I’d be passed over for a better candidate, a better student, someone with more focus and vision. I have been in utter terror of that happening, and in fact, that’s been the entirety of the application process for this program. With each question on the application, I’m faced with the fear of being judged, of being tossed aside. This morning, though, I had a little bit of a psyche-up with myself, and broke through that fear, at least a little bit.
I got angry with myself for being scared, and then set about detailing the stuff I want to do while I go back to school to earn my MFA in Creative Writing. No, it may not be the most polished plan, and I still have a couple of semesters to fill in, but it’s something. I don’t want to get into too much detail here, yet, but suffice to say, what I want to get out of further education, and how I intend on using my time at the school I’m applying to (if I stick to what I’ve written so far), will be some of the most amazing, creative work I’ve every taken on. I’m putting my heart and soul into this opportunity, and I would love nothing more than the opportunity to see where this path leads me.
I guess, in the end, I could do what I want to do on the plan I’ve created without attending school, but as an educator in search of a higher degree, if I can incorporate earning a better pay rate, and another credential on my resume, with a deep-seeded passion of mine (writing), then it’s all for the better.
Again, and as always, more details to come as all this unfolds.
-Thom
Post Christmas 2009
It’s a rainy, warm day here in Boston today. It’s a day that’s kind of grabbed my thoughts, and won’t seem to let go. I don’t know if I’m just decompressing from the crazy time that was two weeks before Thanksgiving up till now, or what it is, but I can’t seem to shake myself out of it. I woke up today with tons of thoughts in my head. Perhaps it’s just a good day to write, to get some of it out, like releasing the steam on a pressure cooker, and maybe take a walk in the rain. I’m not sure yet, but I can feel something brewing.
I’m totally looking forward to next year, both on a personal level, and from the perspective of being one half of a happily married couple. Nate and I had a fairly topsy-turvy year last year, but things finally took a nice swing in a positive direction, and by all accounts, we’re still moving in a positive direction. We are now preparing for our winter break away from reality, as we are headed to Provincetown for a long weekend in the stunning silence of January on the outer cape. I know we’ve been making lots of social connections lately, but truth be told, I’m ready to recharge my batteries. I’m going to be using our little getaway not only as a chance to finally celebrate our first anniversary as a married couple and nine years of being together, but also as a chance to put my real desires and plans for the new year out there. I don’t know what that means completely, but I know there are a few things that could happen next year that would be more positive steps in the right direction, for both us as a couple, and me as a part of that relationship.
I’m talking vague here…There will be more details to share as they unfold, I promise. For now, I’m going to do a little writing, record a show, and if the mood strikes me still, I might take a little venture out in the rain. The stuff I’m made out of floats more than melts, so I know a little rain won’t hurt me.
XX
Thom
And So That Was Christmas
Click for More
Christmas 2009 has come, and now gone, and what a whirlwind it was getting here! The last two months (since about the first of November till now) has been nothing short of a marathon for Nate and I, especially in terms of work, time spent apart, and trying to meet a lot of expectations placed on us from the outside.
In the end, we did the best we could to get in touch with family and friends, and spend time with those we love, and somehow strike a balance between time to enjoy the holidays and time spent preparing/working so others can enjoy them. Honestly, I am ready for a different tradition – maybe one that involves a lot less prep work and more time just reflecting on the year past, and reconnecting with friends and family. I’m ready for a change from the buy-buy-buy, hustle-hustle-hustle, run-run-run of the Christmas that currently exists, and maybe return to a simpler time, when the central focus of the holiday was time spent with loved ones…
Ah, but I’m just becoming more and more cynical as I get older. I realize and accept that.
All in all, it was a good day spent with Nate’s family. I had a chance to reconnect with many of his cousins, and get updated as to what they’re all up to. I got to see his grandmother, who was holding up quite nicely since the passing of her husband, enjoy and relish the time with her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I got to meet a new member of the family (HELLO GRAEME BAXTER!) and am highly anticipating another new member in February (CAN’T WAIT TO MEET YOU BABY BROWN!). I also was able to witness Nate enjoying some time with his family, which for me, after seeing the stress and strain that working at a grocery store through the holidays can cause, was very satisfying. He was able to relax, and really just enjoy the day.
Now, my attention has turned to the New Year, and the possibilities that lie ahead. Here’s to a bright 2010!
So, Why Do I Want to Join the Gym?
This was the question posed by my brother-in-law, Ben, last night, while we were at Ma ‘n Pa Brown’s house for dinner. Nate and I have decided that we need to get to the gym, as a couple, and really do something about how we feel about our bodies. Both he and I have certain goals we want to achieve, and as a personal trainer, Ben wants to help us achieve them. Nate was pretty clear to his brother about what it is he wants out of a membership to the gym. I, on the other hand, was not. Well, not to my standards, anyway. So, like a good blogger/writer, I’m here to hash it out on the page, right in front of you all.
I have been off and on at gyms for the past ten years of my life. It started as a way to control my weight while I was at UNH. It was part of my huge weight loss, and I attended the gym every other day, doing a small circuit of weight training. At that time, it was all about weight loss for me, so I never supplemented my work outs with any substantial diet that would allow for muscle development. I just wanted to be skinny. It wasn’t actually very healthy for me to be at the gym at that point, but it became an obsession for me.
Then I stopped. I stopped attending UNH all together, actually, and fell out of my routine at the gym.
A couple of years and a bad relationship later, I joined yet another gym in Portsmouth, NH. This time, it was all about getting sexy. I wanted to be the hottest boy to walk into the bar or the club. I wanted to shed some of the extra depression weight I had put on in the bad relationship, and for the most part, I did. But, again, I also put myself on a very, very restricted diet, and shed a ton of weight, plus I was working at a job that had me running on my feet all the time, and was about a forty-five minute walk away from where I lived, as I didn’t have a car at that point in my life. So, basically, the gym became something I didn’t really go to, and so I dropped my membership.
Then, the next time I joined a gym wasn’t until I graduated college in 2003. Nate and I had moved to Maine, and I was working a desk job. I had noticed my rear end was going very east-west, as I sat at my desk, and basically didn’t move all day. I didn’t have a walking regime, and I was feeling pretty let down about life after college. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted. So, I joined the local YMCA, and started to go. I didn’t really stick to that either, but it did give me a small outlet for my frustration. Again, I wasn’t supporting my gym work outs with any sort of diet, but this time, I think the gym helped me to focus my thoughts, and realize that I wasn’t happy where I was working. I ended that membership when I decided to go back to school, and we moved back to NH.
Then, the next time I joined a gym was when we were in England. I had made a drunken promise to run a 10k race, and needed to build some endurance in order to be able to complete it. I was doing some training in terms of running, but I wanted to also have some reserve muscle mass in order to carry me through the race. I also joined with a co-worker of mine, and the gym became more than just a place to take out my frustrations. It also became a social call. I was pretty good about sticking to the routine there, and up until the race, you would find me there about three times a week, making measurable progress in my health. The gym itself had a great way of tracking your progress, which made a big difference for me, and by the time we left England, I had increased my oxygen capacity in my lungs, lost a few inches where I wanted to, and gained a few where I should. It was pretty motivating, and probably the best gym experience I’d ever had.
So, now I’m doing it again. Only this time, it’s with Nate. This is going to not only make going to work out a social event, when we can do it together, but also a way to do something for each other. We will be able to boost each other’s confidence, and help each other stick to our goals. Also, having Nate’s brother there to help guide us and give us suggestions will help to keep us both accountable for our diet and exercise patterns, which I know I’ll be needing.
But, at the heart of it, I still need to figure out what MY goals are for going to the gym. Here are some of the thoughts I had, both last night and this morning:
- I want to be able to DO something. I have a low endurance level, and would like to have the strength and balance to be able to perform a task, be it biking, hiking, swimming, or running.
- I want to tone up. I’ve got squishy spots all over that have never really been toned. I’d like to see how I can reshape my body and build muscle. This, hopefully, will feed into how I carry myself when I’m walking around. I don’t want to be that strutting ego-maniac you always see who’s so damn proud of how he looks that it’s all he can do but stare down his nose at you if you’re the least bit out of shape, but a little bit of that would be good for me. I’ve never been that pleased with my body’s appearance, and even subtle changes in my shape could make me feel a whole lot better about myself.
- I want to be healthy. Really healthy. I’m constantly fighting a battle with my genes, be it from heart disease and cholesterol to diabetes and cancer. I know that being active, and supporting that activity with a healthy diet, will help me fight back against these risk factors in my life.
For me these are the big reasons for going. There are also the side effects of being more flexible, having a better mental outlook on things, to be able to sleep better, to deal with anxiety better, and on and on.
Thoughts on a Saturday Morning
It’s early on a Saturday, and normally, I’m up now, doing a bit of writing before going to work for either seven or eight o’clock. Today, however, for some strange reason, I’m not scheduled to work. My hours at the shoe store have tanked as of lately, and it’s becoming not really worth my time saying I’m employed there, because honestly, being employed means actually doing work. I’m not doing much of anything at DSW, and so the hunt resumes for a better second job.
But that’s not why I’m writing this morning.
Nate and I met Sean and his partner, and roommate and friends, on Thanksgiving day. I had been chatting with Sean for a while online, and in the spirit of reaching out and meeting a new person physically, he invited Nate and I to his house for a post-feast gathering on Thursday. We showed up to his place in Jamaica Plain, and honestly, had the best time ever. It was so relaxed, so comfortable at his house, and the people he introduced us to were really, really nice. For the most part, they were all artistically minded, Sean having his MFA in Photography, and his friends being creatively minded as well. At one point in the conversation, Sean asked if I ever thought of going for an MFA in Creative Writing. Since he asked that question, it’s been on my mind, and become a bug in my ear I can’t quite squash. Usually, for me, that’s a sign.
I’ve done a little investigation, and from what I’ve found, there are two programs here in Boston, one offered by UMass Boston, and one offered by Emerson College. I’ve got to do more research into it, and Sean gave me the name of a person who works at Goddard to contact regarding an MFA there, but for now, it’s just an information gathering activity. I’ve still got so much work to do on the story I’ve been writing over the last month, and I have other thoughts and ideas starting to bubble up to the surface for other stories, too, so I’m not sure if I’m really there, in terms of applying what I’m doing to a program of study. There’s also the monetary issue if I were to undertake such
a program, which Nate and I would have to discuss. Still, at the end of it all, Sean piqued my interest, made the hairs stand up on my neck, and now I’m wondering just how far I could take this little hobby of mine.
I also need to balance the fact that Nate needs to go back to school. I know he wants to, but he feels we’re not at a place to be able to have him go to school full time. The fact is, we’re not anywhere near that, fiscally speaking, and would only be there if I were to finally get the teaching job I’ve been searching for. For us, though, me having a master’s degree (either in Creative Writing, or English, or even
Education) would open more doors for me. With a master’s degree, I could also work at a community college. I’d also be more eligible for a teaching post in Boston Public, or any other school department. If I were to land a job, a master’s degree would command a higher salary too.
There are so many thoughts running through my head this Saturday morning. Perhaps, for now, I’ll just go back to writing.
-Thom
In Flight
So, I’m currently mid flight between Boston and Minneapolis, MN, on my way to San Diego, CA to attend and work at the ACTFL conference. It has been the craziest month getting ready for this, and last night was the pinnacle of stress and anger as I worked furiously to make a major piece of presentational material ready for the show. Of course, it was wracked with problems and last-minute changes. Still, the end product us what it is, and I don’t want to make any more changes. Once we land, I will get to mess around on the laptop to get it all figured out.
It’s been a while since I’ve been away from Nate for any length of time, and actually, I think it might be a nice break away, if only to build the affection we share when we are together. I hope he has a great weekend, and I can’t wait to hear what he got up to.
For now, I’m at 34k feet, tired, hungry, and have a LONG day ahead of me.
Thom
Letting Go
So I’m learning to let go of the past. As winter approaches, and the fall has come to the end, I can feel the wheels turning again. This time, I’m letting go of a very tough relationship I had when I first came out of the closet. I had a nightmare last night that seemed to be me reliving that personal hell, but upon reflection, it has explained, in full color detail, just what it is I need to do.
For years, whenever I’ve been apart from Nate, I fought internally with an indescribable fear that he was going to leave me. This is a direct result of my experience in a distant past relationship, and has been an anchor around my neck for over a decade. It’s ridiculous and unfounded to have this past event affect my current situation, but I know it goes even deeper than that.
It’s also tied to my parents divorce. The pain of losing that piece of my life-fabric has been with me for a huge length of time too
A Public Apology
Yesterday, I got a phone call while at work from someone who took issue with what I had said in my last post. What happened was a crescendo of anger, frustration, shouting, hanging up, and all around Jerk-ittude from me that didn’t need to happen. It has been on my mind, all last night, and as I woke up this morning, and I needed to do something about it. I responded to this person in an e-mail, but I wanted to make a public sort of statement about where my feelings came from, and do a little exploration as to where my rage came from too.
Last week’s vote in Maine was personal to me. I’m from Maine. I get the Maine way of doing things, and I understand the general feeling across the majority of the state (towns south of Portland – sorry, you’re not the majority, even if your population says otherwise). I know of the fierce protectiveness of privacy, of family, and the strong belief in living a just, decent life, and being respectful to others, including those with less, who need, and who deserve to be treated as humans should be. Those are the values you can find in a Mainer, no matter if they’ve lived there all their lives, or even just a few years in their childhood. Those are the values that make me proud to say I’m from there.
Last week’s vote, however, was not a true reflection of what it means to be from Maine, in my opinion, and the campaign to remove equal marriage protection only served to confuse, obfuscate, and deflect the vote to represent something it wasn’t. In the end, the voters of Maine were left confused, and perhaps decided the way they did based on not wanting to change something that was never perceived as broken, rather than as an extension of fundamental rights that every couple, regardless of the gender/identity make up of the two individuals, should have. They were left feeling fear, and the nerves of protectionism, of holding true to long-standing values, and all the rest, were touched upon by the proponents of Question 1.
Of course, this is all how I see it, and what I understand from my vantage point, a legally married gay man in Massachusetts.
What the vote left me feeling, after the dust settled, and it was clear that Question 1 had passed, was a sense of anger. Of true, raw, anger. How can a body of people decide whether or not my relationship to my husband is of value? How can anyone outside of myself and Nathaniel decide for us whether or not we are a couple, under whatever god you choose, but primarily before the state? It sickens me still to think that my relationship to my husband, my marriage, can be called into question and politicized the way it has been. For those of you reading this from California, you understand all too well how this feels.
So, I was angry, and on the day after the vote, I was up early, anxious to get the results, and when I did, I wrote the post you saw on Wednesday. When I write, especially in that frame of mind, my filter is perhaps not as strong as it should be. I shot from the hip, said what was on my mind, but upon reading it again, I realize that the way I expressed my feelings wasn’t the best, and it is this confusion of words that brought the phone call to me yesterday. Though I still feel the way I did last Wednesday morning, the prickle of anger that may have been directed towards specific individuals in my life should not have been there.
So, after an apologetic letter, and hopefully some time for the dust to settle again, I’m here, left wondering where all my rage comes from. I’m left wondering how it is I can become so instantaneously infuriated like I did yesterday. It’s taken a lot out of me, it’s left me feeling cold and dark inside, and it has hurt people who are close to me.
I know in the recent past, I’ve really come into myself, especially in terms of aligning myself with my own values, and taking a stand for what I believe in. I was there at the Proposition 8 rallies, I’ve been a loud, proud supporter of universal public health, and every time I’ve been engaged with these topics, and have spoken my opinion, written a blog post, recorded a SoundByte, talked to my coworkers and friends, I’ve felt a little be more sure about who I am, and what I stand for. I have thought about each topic, or have experienced life in a way that has led me to believe in things the way I do, and it’s because I feel firm and secure in these opinions, that my self, my whole being, has been on this massive upswing. Perhaps that’s why my whole body reacts with rage when what I feel is right gets called into question.
I do know this – I have a lot of pent up energy inside me. I want nothing more than to create a life, and a space to live that life, where I can live the values I hold true. Sure, those include all that I learned in my childhood in Maine, but it also includes bringing all parts of me to the forefront. I need to keep this fire inside me burning, as the more I work on becoming myself, the better of a person I will be. What I need to do, though, is remember that that fire inside me, which keeps my thoughts rolling, and gets me out of bed to spend more time fighting for what I believe in, can be dangerous, and destructive, if turned on the wrong person. I need to learn to keep it, to cherish it, but to also direct it appropriately. Yesterday, I failed at that.
Today, well, it’s a new day. Today, I’m going to enjoy the afternoon with my husband, catch up with an old friend, and hopefully a new one, and just be.
To the people in my life that have received my anger in ways that are uncalled for, for being the wall I bang my head against, for being in the firing line in front of me, I apologize. I know now, perhaps more than ever, I need to find a better way to let it out, to put that frustration to work for positive change, and to be able to lay my head down at night knowing I did the best I could, and didn’t hurt anyone in the process.
Here’s to a new day.
Very First Thoughts Today
The Proudest Day of my Life
Before I settle into some decent writing this morning, I think a post is due. It’s a little about Question 1 in Maine, and it’s passage in yesterday’s election, but it’s also just some rambling thoughts…bear with me.
I woke up this morning at quarter to four, and immediately checked the ballot results. Much to my dismay, as you all must realize by now, Maine repealed the right to marriage for same sex couples. Calling itself the “People’s Veto,” this measure stripped away any legal rights that currently are reserved for straight couples, but had been granted to same-sex couples, such as Nate and myself. These rights include, but are not limited to, end of life decision making, inheritance, tax laws, and insurance coverage. There are many more protections and rights granted to married couples, but those are the ones I can think of now, 5:26 in the morning. Basically, all of those rights, which are granted to Nate and I here in Massachusetts, are now not extended to us whenever we go to visit my family, who live in Maine. Now, when we cross the border to visit my hometown, we leave the protections and legal rights we have as a married couple at the Piscataqua River bridge. We are deigned a second-class couple, and are not afforded the same status as our straight couple counterparts.
Will someone tell me how this is anywhere near fair? How is it possible that a majority gets to decide what rights a minority group gets? Who are they to decide who is worthy and not worth of receiving equal protection under the law?
To say I’m upset is barely scratching the surface.
A couple of weeks ago, I sent an e-mail to my family, both my father’s side, and my mother’s side. I asked them to just keep Nate and I in mind when they voted. I would never, ever have done anything like that for any other political issue, as I respect that they usually keep their politics close to the breast, and hold the privacy of one’s vote in high regard. I would never ask them how they voted, as that’s none of my business, but this time, on this question, I had to say something, even if it was just a quick note. I got a loud and proud response from my Mom, and her husband (a true-blood redneck, I might add), that they were going to support gay marriage anyway they could.
I never got a response from my father’s side – but that didn’t surprise me. They were the side of the family I didn’t expect a response from.
Still, Nate and I are planning on going home to my family’s place for Thanksgiving. I’m dreading the topics of conversation. They will do everything and anything to skirt around politics, I’m guessing. They might not. I don’t know, but I do know, right now, I’m worried about it. And I don’t want Nate to have to go through that, either.
Let it be said, I’m so damn proud of being a resident of Massachusetts. Today, perhaps, more than ever, I am proud to be in a state that recognized my legal rights as a citizen, and a member of a minority group, and didn’t give the decision to protect and uphold those rights over to the masses to decide. The politicians saw it differently in Massachusetts – they saw that protections, however unpopular they might be politically – needed to be extended to include ALL people, regardless of what color, shape, or preference they had. After all, we’re all HUMAN. In the end, it’s our humanity that binds us – the differences in labels, in ideologies, in opinions are what keeps us from having to wear silly “HELLO, MY NAME IS…” name tags.
SoundByte 44
Hey all! It’s a quickie this week! A little update on the past week, weekend, and some updates on what I’m up to. You can now leave a voicemail, if you choose: (617) 466-9740. Feel free to drop a line!
Music from Radiohead, The Cure, and Just Jack.
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Thoughts on a Wednesday
So, this morning, I did the unthinkable: I dropped a note to my family about Question 1 in Maine, and asked them to think about Nate and I when they cast their vote. So far, my mom wrote back in proud support of her oldest son, and for that I’m thankful to my bones. I hope to hear from the people on my dad’s side too, but being it’s politics, I know they like to keep their votes close to the chest, so I’m not holding my breath. I know they will do the right thing, I just need to trust them.
On other notes, I was up very early today, and made up for a couple of days of non-writing. It is weird, but starting off my day with a few more words to the story out of my head and onto the screen feels great. I don’t have this nagging feeling like I’ve let myself down, and it’s a great way to key go of the oddity and bizarro world I currently inhabit, and just get caught up in it all. This morning, my alarm went off at 6, and that saved me from writing away the day, not that I would have minded, really.
Someday, I will be able to devote more than an hour at a time to this tale, or one of the many others that currently rattle around in my head. It would be a penultimate event in my life to achieve such status.
Anyway, that’s where I am today, as I enjoy a late autumn lunch break on Boston’s Common. More later!
Thom
After the Vacation
I am not ready to return to the life I had prior to our getaway last weekend. It’s Tuesday morning at 6:23, and still my mind is at a place not too far away from here, where I was able to release all of my inhibitions, to explore my inner feelings and express myself outwardly in ways I haven’t ever been able to do. To say this vacation was enjoyable would be a massive understatement. I have come back a changed man, and I want to keep up these changes and not fall back into the trappings of the life I knew prior. I want to cling to the man I was while I was there, and nourish that side of me, bringing out my inner self, and letting the boy who giggled and smiled, winked and noticed, and felt completely alive, be part of my everyday life.
Nate and I took a four-day weekend and dispatched ourselves to Provincetown, Massachusetts. Honestly, I had thought that we’d make a day trip out of it, maybe spend an overnight there, but once we got there, what I thought was going to be a few hours walking around on the beach, exploring the vibrant town, turned into a wonderful journey for both Nate and I. As a couple, we were able to talk to each other more instinctively, less hesitantly, and from a place within ourselves that knows no judgement, no reserve, and no limits. There, in that tiny little beach town at the end of Cape Cod, we became so much closer, so much more in tune with each other, and it has made a massive impact on us both. It has stirred feelings and ideas that I’ve been protecting from exposure for so long. It has revealed to me just how magical it is that I’m with Nathaniel, and how truly amazing he really is. It has given me the chance to look up from the dark and dingy streets of Boston’s North End, and see an existence I never thought possible. In my mind, I see something greater, a life less mundane and repetitive, with more expression of the self, and celebration of who I am, who we are, and it’s something I want to make a reality.
I’m in fear of losing these feelings, and having written them down here, I feel like I’ve given them some permanence. I suppose that’s why I blog. It justifies who I am, where I’ve been, and gives me a place to reflect, plan, and take actions that will improve not only my life, but Nate’s life, and the life we share together.
Truly, I feel the start of something better in my life. I want to make it a reality. The time has come for me, and Nathaniel, to shine.
Of course, I took many pictures, and will be sharing them with you all shortly. Right now, though, I’ve got to get my act together, and put on the skin of the man I was before taking off with Nate. I need to fit my way back into the cogworks of this massive machine, where the almighty dollar is King. This time, though, I see things just a bit differently, and with a bit different perspective. I’m anxious to experience life knowing something better. Wish me luck.
-Thom
Live for the Weekend
It’s 6:30 a.m. on Saturday, and I’m up, about to jump in the shower and get ready to go back to work. It seems, though, that this cycle of a 6-day workweek is becoming the standard in my life, and honestly, I’m done with it. I’d really like nothing more than to have more control over my job, to not be directed from on high so much, and to have a bit more say in what I do. This is the experience I had as a teacher, and anything less just reminds me of how little autonomy I actually have in the jobs I have now. Right now, it’s directives, direct orders, and threading the needle with regards to eeking out time for myself, to be myself, and do the things I want to do, not what I have to do.
Last week’s therapy session reminded me of how scrunched up things are right now. By scrunched up, I mean compacted, rushed, and lacking any room to breathe or move too much. We don’t have a lot of space to spread out, to explore our own creative streaks, and it’s something Nate and I want to rectify with our next move. I’m planning on going into more detail tomorrow on the SoundByte, but suffice to say, we just want more space. Right now, I have about six hours on Sunday morning to stretch my creative arms, and take on projects that involve creating or producing something, or just doing things I enjoy. This includes the podcast, the photography, or just simply sitting in the sun on the couch, reading a book. Six hours isn’t much. For me, it’s not nearly enough, and I want more space in my life to be more creative, to stretch out, and to actually lead a more fulfilling life.
Living for the weekend is not the kind of life I really want – Living for each day would be preferable. Each day should include space and time where I can stand on my own two feet, feel like a little master of my own universe, and take stock of where I am at, and where I want to be. Right now, that doesn’t happen. I feel pushed along like a beef critter in a stockyard. I get rather antsy when I don’t feel like I have some measure of control over where I go and what I do.
So, that’s where I’m at right now. Now, I’ve gotta get ready for work. Talk to you again soon!
-Thom
Up Early
Something has me getting up early these past few days. By early, I’m not talking Nate’s work schedule “early” (he’s up at 3:00 am), but certainly anywhere between 4:30 and 5:30 am. For me, this isn’t too out of the ordinary, as I’ve always been an early riser. Still, given that I’ve been on screech for a while now, you’d think I’d take in every drop of zzz-time that I could get my hands on. I’m not sure what it is, but I’d like to figure it out.
Getting up like this, however, gives me time to peruse the net, check out all the sites I don’t have time to keep up on, watch some youtube videos, read my friends’ blogs, and not have to rush my way off to work. Well, okay, so that last one seems to always happen, no matter when I get up (I’m a procrastinator at heart – I can’t help racing the clock), but it’s nice to have some time in the a.m.
So, I’m up early…are you? What do you do when you get up early? I’m curious…
Health Care Reform Rally on Labor Day
Click the Pic for More!
Here are the pictures I promised I’d take at the rally. In all, it was a good rally. I listened to a few good speeches and was impressed at the turnout, given the holiday. I left feeling rather happy to be living in such a lefty-leaning state that already stretches to meet the needs of a lot of the community through state-mandated health insurance programs, but I know we’ve got a lot further to go. Oh, and I also got to hear from Martha Coakley – she’s the MA AG who has tossed her hat into the ring for senator, to replace Kennedy in January of 2010. I want to know more about her…she seems like a good thing, but I don’t know.
Thoughts on a Discussion
So, what started as a response to a Facebook status update has expanded into a back-and-forth e-mail discussion beween myself and a good friend of ours from back in NH. As I don’t have permission from her to post the discussion in it’s entirety, I will be a bit discrete. That said, I think it’s worth mentioning what the discussion was about:
Healthcare.
More specifically, the current political discussion revolving around healthcare, and the different viewpoints that her and I share regarding this topic. She is a newly-enrolled medical student who has spent a number of years working in a hospital in southern New Hampshire. I, as you all know, am a card-carrying liberal with an about-as-left-leaning-as-possible viewpoint on the direction I would like to see this country head. Fifty years ago, people like me were investigated as being a communist, but I digress.
She had made a comment about the message that flared up on Facebook last week, where people were encouraging others to post a specific profile update that had specific words about supporting healthcare reform. It asked you, as a Facebook user, to copy the status update as your own if you agreed. Many, many people did (I don’t know the exact numbers, but someone from FB must have tabulated it somewhere). She didn’t agree with the thrust of the argument, and proceeded to tell her Facebook followers, of which I am one, about how she felt. Like a good internet junky, I responded. Well, the posts got a bit heated on her FB page, so she deleted the conversation. Me, not being able to let go of things that easily, took the next step and e-mailed her to follow up. I understood that FB wasn’t where she wanted to have the discussion, and I respect that as her own personal choice…it is her FB page, after all.
I started off by asking her why she was in med school. I wanted to know her reasons for going into that line of study. I also wanted to know what sort of discussion was taking place at her school, as I was certain it was probably very protectionist towards the healthcare industry – nothing gets people riled up more than when there is even a perceived threat to their wallet, let alone their career choices and futures. I knew she was part of that all, and I wanted to know more.
We went back and forth in a few e-mails, where she spoke of what she saw at the hospital she used to work at; specifically, the abuses to the system that she saw taking place before her eyes. In her eyes, there were many, many people who were abusing the system we currently have just to have an excuse not to work, or seek the easy way out of their fiscal problems. For her, it seemed, there were a great many people just trying to get a free ride through life, without the work ethic or responsibility for their own health care. She spoke of smokers, of personal choice, and free will.
In response, I called her out for lumping everyone she saw using the system without health insurance as lowlifes with no personal responsibility. I cautioned her about assuming everyone who couldn’t pay for healthcare were deadbeats who made choices that only made them feel better for a moment, without taking into consideration the long-term effects of their choices. I also told her of our plight, where Nate’s current insurer is refusing to pay for any of his coverage – even basic routine office visits – because they claim that since he was out of the country prior to having their coverage, that qualifies as a pre-existing condition. Even for basic blood work and a physical.
What I gained from this discussion, apart from the realization that my passions and fervor for wanting to see this country move forward and be more progressive than it currently is can sometimes be a bit over-stated, is the insight to the worries that face healthcare workers on the other side of the admittance desk in doctor’s offices, hospitals, and emergency rooms across the country. The change that a single-payer health care system would bring does cause a bit of fear, a lot of uncertainty, and does bring into harsh relief how much needs to change for any system to work more efficiently to provide decent, affordable access to good health care, especially for the health care workers in our society. They don’t know anything different, and based on what they see, I can understand their hesitance to take on such a massive change.
Our friend Scott likened it to No Child Left Behind for teachers – it was a good policy on paper, which held teachers more accountable for raising the standards and achievement levels in their classes, but at a massive expense to both the teaching profession as a whole, and the states that had to take on the massive burden of funding the training, certification, and examinations required to meet the NCLB requirements. Similar expenses and meeting of mandates from the federal government, regardless of how broad the healthcare reform is, will come at a cost – one that many people in the profession feel may not be worth the expense.
In the end, my med school friend and I both gained some insight into the debate. She now has a face to link to the under-insured in this country, and instead of lumping every one of us as deadbeats who refuse to make the right personal choices in our lives in order to have the health and well-being we deserve as members of the American society, she has told me she will re-examine where those feelings in her come from. As for me, I am now more aware of the fears and the resistance to change, and where it really stems from. The feelings my friend expressed are at the root of the horrible Health Care Town Halls that have were held in August of this year. The fear of change, the fear of the cost, the fear of losing something vital for the well-being of so many in this country all play into the hatred for “Obamacare.” There is also a long-standing mistrust of the government and it’s ability to run any sort of program with efficiency and fairness. I get those feelings, I understand them, and have taken them into consideration.
They do not, however, change how I feel. I still firmly believe that we, as a leader of the free world, and a society whose wealth far exceeds so many others on this planet, have the obligation to the citizens of this country to provide reasonable, affordable, decent health care for all. It should be holistic in it’s purview, as well, not only covering emergency or mundane routine treatments, but also provide for mental health coverage, and support beyond the hospitals and doctor’s offices around the country. I firmly believe the current state of affairs in this country with regards to health care is immoral and out-right disgraceful. The mere fact that so few are making SO MUCH MONEY off the sick and dying in this country is gut-wrenching to me. I’m looking square at the Boards of Directors for the major private insurance companies in this country when I say this – how do you sleep at night?
In the end, I’m glad my friend in NH responded to my e-mail, and listened to me, as much as I listened to her. I needed the conversation – I think we all need to have similar conversations with those around us. We need to speak up, as well as LISTEN. We need to make informed choices, and base our opinions on logic, reason, and fact. We need to ignore the scare-tactics, the name-calling, the bogeymen, and the for-profit lobbyists trying to get us to see things in a very skewed and slanted light. We need to shut off the teevee, shut off the radios, un-plug, and really discuss what healthcare means for us, and how it impacts our quality of life.
