A Public Apology

Yesterday, I got a phone call while at work from someone who took issue with what I had said in my last post.  What happened was a crescendo of anger, frustration, shouting, hanging up, and all around Jerk-ittude from me that didn’t need to happen.  It has been on my mind, all last night, and as I woke up this morning, and I needed to do something about it.  I responded to this person in an e-mail, but I wanted to make a public sort of statement about where my feelings came from, and do a little exploration as to where my rage came from too.

Last week’s vote in Maine was personal to me.  I’m from Maine. I get the Maine way of doing things, and I understand the general feeling across the majority of the state (towns south of Portland – sorry, you’re not the majority, even if your population says otherwise).  I know of the fierce protectiveness of privacy, of family, and the strong belief in living a just, decent life, and being respectful to others, including those with less, who need, and who deserve to be treated as humans should be.  Those are the values you can find in a Mainer, no matter if they’ve lived there all their lives, or even just a few years in their childhood.  Those are the values that make me proud to say I’m from there.

Last week’s vote, however, was not a true reflection of what it means to be from Maine, in my opinion, and the campaign to remove equal marriage protection only served to confuse, obfuscate, and deflect the vote to represent something it wasn’t.  In the end, the voters of Maine were left confused, and perhaps decided the way they did based on not wanting to change something that was never perceived as broken, rather than as an extension of fundamental rights that every couple, regardless of the gender/identity make up of the two individuals, should have.  They were left feeling fear, and the nerves of protectionism, of holding true to long-standing values, and all the rest, were touched upon by the proponents of Question 1.

Of course, this is all how I see it, and what I understand from my vantage point, a legally married gay man in Massachusetts.

What the vote left me feeling, after the dust settled, and it was clear that Question 1 had passed, was a sense of anger.  Of true, raw, anger.  How can a body of people decide whether or not my relationship to my husband is of value? How can anyone outside of myself and Nathaniel decide for us whether or not we are a couple, under whatever god you choose, but primarily before the state?  It sickens me still to think that my relationship to my husband, my marriage, can be called into question and politicized the way it has been.  For those of you reading this from California, you understand all too well how this feels.

So, I was angry, and on the day after the vote, I was up early, anxious to get the results, and when I did, I wrote the post you saw on Wednesday.  When I write, especially in that frame of mind, my filter is perhaps not as strong as it should be.  I shot from the hip, said what was on my mind, but upon reading it again, I realize that the way I expressed my feelings wasn’t the best, and it is this confusion of words that brought the phone call to me yesterday.  Though I still feel the way I did last Wednesday morning, the prickle of anger that may have been directed towards specific individuals in my life should not have been there.

So, after an apologetic letter, and hopefully some time for the dust to settle again, I’m here, left wondering where all my rage comes from.  I’m left wondering how it is I can become so instantaneously infuriated like I did yesterday.  It’s taken a lot out of me, it’s left me feeling cold and dark inside, and it has hurt people who are close to me.

I know in the recent past, I’ve really come into myself, especially in terms of aligning myself with my own values, and taking a stand for what I believe in.  I was there at the Proposition 8 rallies, I’ve been a loud, proud supporter of universal public health, and every time I’ve been engaged with these topics, and have spoken my opinion, written a blog post, recorded a SoundByte, talked to my coworkers and friends, I’ve felt a little be more sure about who I am, and what I stand for.  I have thought about each topic, or have experienced life in a way that has led me to believe in things the way I do, and it’s because I feel firm and secure in these opinions, that my self, my whole being, has been on this massive upswing.  Perhaps that’s why my whole body reacts with rage when what I feel is right gets called into question.

I do know this – I have a lot of pent up energy inside me.  I want nothing more than to create a life, and a space to live that life, where I can live the values I hold true.  Sure, those include all that I learned in my childhood in Maine, but it also includes bringing all parts of me to the forefront.  I need to keep this fire inside me burning, as the more I work on becoming myself, the better of a person I will be.  What I need to do, though, is remember that that fire inside me, which keeps my thoughts rolling, and gets me out of bed to spend more time fighting for what I believe in, can be dangerous, and destructive, if turned on the wrong person.  I need to learn to keep it, to cherish it, but to also direct it appropriately.  Yesterday, I failed at that.

Today, well, it’s a new day.  Today, I’m going to enjoy the afternoon with my husband, catch up with an old friend, and hopefully a new one, and just be.

To the people in my life that have received my anger in ways that are uncalled for, for being the wall I bang my head against, for being in the firing line in front of me, I apologize.  I know now, perhaps more than ever, I need to find a better way to let it out, to put that frustration to work for positive change, and to be able to lay my head down at night knowing I did the best I could, and didn’t hurt anyone in the process.

Here’s to a new day.