Teaching Thomas

Snowy Saturday

This week hasn’t been one of my best. Still, a gentle snow is falling outside, and it’s in this peace that I’m finding myself reflective, and preparing to take another step forward.

I started off this week sick.  I had a dicey stomach on Sunday, and by Tuesday, I was visiting an urgent care center here in Denver with unpleasant things going on downstairs.  Doubled over in pain, I knew something wasn’t right, and being thankful for my health insurance, I took myself out of work and headed to the clinic.  After some prodding of a very sore torso, the doctor prescribed me some pretty powerful antibiotics (metronidazole, to be specific), and sent me packing.  Something had gone terribly wrong inside me, and though they don’t think it was related to the food poisoning I had in late December, I still think it is.  Now, on day four of being under treatment, my stomach is hopefully on the mend.  I’m not going to go into specifics here, but suffice to say it’s a giant reset going on inside me, complete with a restart of a healthier diet, and an outlook of renewal.

That’s what’s going on with me physically.  Emotionally and mentally, other things are rising to the surface.

Last week, while my friend Amanda was visiting, we were over at my friend Jonah’s for dinner.  Amanda and her new beau left to go have an evening to themselves, and the other couple that had joined us also proceeded to make their way home, leaving Jonah and myself to finish off the wine and continue talking.  Like most of my visits with this extraordinary fellow, I leave his house feeling both renewed and facing down some of my demons.  Jonah has the uncanny knack of refocusing me, and it’s through his gentle reminders and commentary that I have been able to start examining the things in my life that I’ve been putting off and unable to face for one reason or another.

As I mentioned in my last post and podcast, I’ve decided to make Denver my home.  I’ve decided this is a place I will put down roots and make myself part of the community.  While this is an exciting new beginning for me, and I am anxious to have Amanda out here with me to start our new life together, there are some things that need to be dealt with that have lingered in my life for a while now.  The biggest thing is my impending divorce from the man I legally married in Massachusetts.

Nathaniel and I were joined by a binding contract and document, and that fact still remains today, even though we have both gone our separate ways.  In fact, he has come back into my life as a friend over the last year, and though we are not as close as we may have once been, what has come from our experiences over the last eighteen months or so has been a deepening of a friendship that needed to ferment for a bit.  Now, as a friend, he and I are looking into negotiating the final details of the divorce that needs to happen, and I am confident that we can pull this off without too much fuss or fury.

If this had been presented to me six months ago, I would have thrown my hands up and walked away.  I was nowhere near a place where I was ready to face this down.  Now, with more time, and some distance, I’m able to put things into perspective.  The fact remains, I still have feelings for him, but as time has gone by, I’m able to recognize now that they aren’t what I thought they were when I lived back east.  I have learned there are shades of love, and that which he and I share is a different sort than the kind you’ll find celebrated on February 14th, or even the same kind that couples celebrate once a year, marking the day when they tied the knot.  For me, the love I feel for Nathaniel is concern, it’s friendly affection, and it’s stepping back and watching the two of us grow and develop further into our adulthood and smiling at what becomes of it.  I’m happy for where his life is, and I’m pretty sure he’s psyched I’m still following my dreams of teaching and writing, and dealing with some of the skeletons in my closet, as good friends would be for each other.

We have agreed to talk about this process, and catch up on the phone.  I’m ready to talk about it, I’m ready to move on from it, and I’m ready to make that break from the life I had back east.  I’m at a place where I feel confident enough in myself to accept this piece of my life, and alter it in a way that allows both Nathaniel and myself to move forward without compromising the friendship we’ve regained after our separation.  This, to me, is another Big Deal.  Similar to finding my place, and claiming this city as my home, tying off the loose ends that remain back east is all part of me moving forward, and growing up.

It’s been a strange sort of 2012 so far.  Still, I’m liking the progression of this year.  I’m liking where my life is headed, and remain upbeat and optimistic that it will only improve as I go forward.

This entry was posted on Saturday, February 11th, 2012 at 9:15 am. It is filed under Blog, Boston, Denver, Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.