Thoughts and Motion
This morning, I am not at work. I don’t report for duty until 1p this afternoon, so I decided to take off on a little stroll. I am very glad I did, as it’s a gorgeous mid-spring day here in Portland.
As is often the case, whenever I set off on a walk, my mind starts to wander. I am able to pull away from whatever it is I’m working on at home, step out that reality for a while, and just let my feet lead me where they want to go. Today has been no different.
I am feeling like I’m at a bit of a crossroads. Especially with regards to work and school. This semester, which ends on Monday, has been an uphill battle from the start. I have found myself doing everything in my power to avoid writing about what I set myself as a task. I’ve read some great books, and put together some interesting fiction, but I feel these have served as a major distraction from the real reason I am here in Portland and where I want my writing to go. In fact, getting distracted has been the easy part, by far. Staying focused has been my Ultimate Challenge.
Part of me is feeling like I’ve tried too hard to control the direction of where my pen wants to go. There is a delicate balance between forcing a story, and letting the story lead me to it’s natural direction. Couple that with the idea that what I’m trying to accomplish is a larger piece of non-fiction, and what I’ve ended up with are fits and starts of something that hardly makes any sense, or has a logical order. I’ve been trying too hard to order my thoughts, when in fact, they simply refuse to fall into the alignment I think I want. This frustration between my control and letting he writing breathe has nearly stopped me in my tracks. There have been more than a few late nights where I’ve wanted to throw in the towel and just give up.
But I can’t. I simply won’t let go of the idea that I am a capable writer with something to say.
So, as the semester winds down, and I’m putting the final edits to a few pieces of stuff to submit, I’m feeling like this summer, without the pressure of school on my back, and the ability to simply write what comes to mind, I might start to feel better about myself and my abilities.
I’m also trying to cut way down on the smoking. I’ve been a cigarette smoker for so damn long, and it’s really time to shake that weight off me. I’ve decided I will probably always be a smoker, but the quantity of smokes is pretty limited. For example, in the past five days, I’ve had four smokes. For me, normally just over a half-pack a day, that’s a big improvement. I’m playing a psychological game with myself by not saying I’ve given up smoking because, simply put, I haven’t. But I feel more in control, and the side effects of that are very positive. More energy, sleeping better, and all that comes with less tobacco in my system. And, I haven’t killed anyone yet. This is a good sign.
I’m still debating on my future here in Portland, as well. I know I’ll be here another year at least, probably through till 2013, but I’m considering a return to England. I’m fairly certain I’m going to return, but that’s not in the immediate future. Still, keeping that in the back of my head has a way of changing how engaged and connected I allow myself to get to the town and people I am a part of now, as well as my job. I’m finding myself holding back a little, feeling a bit reserved, maybe? I don’t know…
For now, it’s me, a coffee, and a glorious morning by the sea. I’m content, and my mind is at peace.
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